


Knocked up

by creativwritingmind



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: F/M, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8529940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativwritingmind/pseuds/creativwritingmind
Summary: The last year of the "Emotional Roadshow" - Tour hasn't been exactly well on Josh. Not only that him and his Girl broke up over her hitting on his best friend, his Coping methods of drowning his mind in alcohol and drugs lead to a disastrous one night stand with a stranger.When he learns that Alex is pregnant two months later he has to take up on his life and fight his demons.





	1. First impressions

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new so plz be nice
> 
> Let me now if I should continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds out who got her knocked up
> 
> Josh learns that he did it
> 
> He's not on best Terms with Tyler either...

"Yo Josh!" No reaction, not even the slightest twitch or blink. "Hey, Joshua!" Nothing. Getting slightly angry Tyler snatched the microphone of the stand and tried it with technical support. "DUN!" he screamed, this time sending his drummer into a jump that made him fall right backwards over his stool and sended him to ground.

Sighing Tyler turned and gestured to the master room. "Ok guys, let's have break. 20 minutes, right?" Watching their soundguy tossing his headphones aside frustrated the singer stepped over to the drums where his friend was gathering himself up and headed for the door, passing him by without a word or a glance.

Trying to get not too pissed Tyler followed him to the outside of the building, around the corner, to the empty parking lot behind the studio. Patently waiting he observed Josh pulling out a cigarette, light it and take a deep draft, his head rolling backwards against the brick wall. 

"So?" the younger quietly started, crossing his arms expectant. Blewing smoke out in a constant streak the drummer answered with a question. "So what?" That was when Tyler gave up trying to act tough. It had never been their way to act like cool bros, not letting each other see what they felt inside. They had been more then this and he was really worried, so he changed back to their old octave of conversations. 

He flipped himself beside the other, mimicking his leaning position, his hands shoved into the bags of his hoodie. "I'm worried man. I have stayed silent now for months, because I thought this is just an episode and would go away, but dude, you keep loosing it! This is seriously wrong and if you don't want to talk to me it's perfectly ok. Just explain what I gotta do to make you stop self harming yourself subtly and we'll be fine." 

The snicker he got was forced, made up. "Wow, being your theatralic, pathetic self today?" It hurted, but not as much as the words that were not said. "Being an ass to prevent me trying to find out what's going on with you doesn't work, you should know that after the last 12 months." Groaning Josh took a last draft and flicked the cigarette to the ground, killing it with his shoes. "It's nothing, ok? I just enjoy being a rockstar for some time. Not that this will last forever. Maybe you should loosen up a little too. That < sweet christian boy > image never did really suit you anyway." 

"Ok, now you're mean! You know what? Let's just forget about it and get on with that god damn recording!" Not that Tyler wanted to bark at him, but running against walls that his friend build again and again left him more frustrated then he wanted to admit. Silently walking side by side they returned to the studio and started to play again. At least Josh seemed to be more concentrated now. They killed it and wrapped it in no time, just like their old days. But when they left the session each of them were going home in seperate cabs. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

For what felt like an eternity Josh stood outside his appartment with his key hovering over the lock but couldn't bring himself to get in. He was about to turn and get drunk somwhere else, when one of his neighbours decided to try to small talk with him and he fleed into his rooms. When the door closed the silence washed over him and the drummer hesitantly entered his living room, flopped his body on the couch and dragged his phone out. 

The appartment was spare, unpersonal, cold. Since he had moved here he have had not much time to decorate, he had hardly even been here. The few furntiure and decorations that had made it feel like a home had been gone with her and he was thankfull about it, he would have thrown them in to the trash anyway. Like she did with their love, like she did with him. 

Forcing himself to stop Josh started to scroll through his accounts, reading a littlebit here, commenting a littlebit there. Nothing really interested him but it helped killing the time before he could slip out in the darkness and drink himself to sleep. He was at the point where he didn't cared about other finding out anymore. It had been surprising that Tyler approached him as the last, his mother, father, siblings and other friends, even their tour manager, had already voiced their concerns on his new habbits. His best friend had stayed silent, had rubbed his back when he puked his soul out or handed him aspirin when his head threatenend to fall off the next day.

Yet he regreted that he had been so rude against the younger, Tyler had only wanted to help and it was not fair to be still pissed at the younger after such a Long time. The thing was, nobody could help him, he was irretrievable lost and already addicted to the feeling of constant blurryness. The vibrating of his smartphone cut of his thoughts, he had received an email to his private account. 

Reaching down without looking his hand found a started bottle of wine and pulled it up, just to have it near. The mail came from one of their assisstants, Haley, she sighted their fanmails and sometimes passed letters that were above the average < you saved my life > , < you are so hot > and < I love your music so much > towards them. 

 

From: Haley B. 

Subject: I really think you should really read this...

Hey Josh! Got a letter for you yesterday. Scanned and attached it. It's...um...very private. I'm not sure if it is a joke though, as I know you, but just in case...well. 

See ya, Haley

 

Curious the drummer sat up and took a sip of the bottle while he waited for his phone to open the attachment. It was the scanned copy of a handwritten letter, that changed his life, his misery, his whole being more then he ever would have expected as he read the first few lines.

 

Dear Mr. Dun. Fuck, That sound's way to formal. I could call you Josh, I guess, given the circumstances. But thinking of that we never really introduced each other I should probably start with Hey you! 

God, this is awkward. I mean, by now you likely will think I'm one of your groupies or something, and if I tell you right now that this is not true you won't believe me a bit. Fact is: I haven't known who you are when I met you. And I have no idea if you remember that you met me at all. Still, we have a common problem.

To understand where I'm coming from here you should try to recall a party about two months ago...speaking exactly at the xx.xx.xxxx . You and your band were in europe, in X. And you went to an afterparty at a festival. Well...to shorten that story a littlebit...you were drunk and I were drunk and I think we drank a littlebit together before we ended up in my bed. 

Stop. I need you to not freak out right now, ok? Before I go on there's something I need you to realise. I don't care the hell that you are who you are. I'm not at this to draw attention or money from you. I didn't even wanted to tell you but that damn little part in my head that kind of was raised right forces me to think that you need to know. It's not like this will be your decission, anyway. But...you just need to know. 

I guess you can blame it on me. Maybe you even asked me if I was protected, I don't know anymore, I was so wasted. Truth is, we both didn't care and life has decided to teach us a lesson. I would congratulate you if I would think you will be any happier about this then me, and I'm....devastated. So, without any congratz: You knocked me up. 

Here we are. You can freak out now. A littlebit, I need you to focus soon. Ok, ready? With me again? Good. Like I said, it will not be your decission if I will keep it. In return it will not be mine if you will see him or her if I decide too keep it. Means: If I get that kid, I will not reach out to you, I will not tell anybody, I won't require anything from you. But if you want to...I don't know...I will not stand in your way. 

So...hm...what else is there to say? Sorry I fucked up your life, I guess. I didn't intend to do so. I'll perfectly understand if I will never get an answer, because, who knows if you even remember me? But I told you, that's what counts. You know, for my karma. 

Yours, Alex

P.S.: I like your music...not that it matters...just...forget it. 

 

The breath he had hold released itself and triggered his heart to beat faster again. Fleeing into the only feeling he knew would help him right now Josh emptied the bottle and threw it at the wall opposite of him where it splattered to a thousand pieces while his head collapsed back and he hissed from the depths of his soul. "FUCK!"

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Two weeks. Two weeks and there had been no reaction. Lisa could tell I got uneasy from day to day, even if I did my best to remind me that I never had expected a reaction at all. Still, I had made my decission. Fourteen days had been enough to let the feeling sink in, to understand that I was connected to something now, that I was about to create a life. 

Not that I had been religious, but you couldn't call me exactly a heathen. To end that little seed of existence inside of me just because I had been dumb enough to start it was way beyond my believes. So, I was going to keep that child. Terrific. 

Morningly sickness was a well known friend now, the doctor Lisa had dragged me to had assured me it would be only temporary, but still I was not ready to give up wailing about my misery. When I was not working I stayed in bed all the time and lived off of icecream, oreos and the fast food Lisa brought in for me. 

It was saturday and I was thinking about how to tell my boss when the door rang and I heard Lisa doing a squieck. Fairly worried I shot out of my room to find her in a heated discussion with an EPS guy. "Just tell me where it's from!" "LA. But I can't give it to you I need..." he looked down on his tablet, "Alexandra Kehr. And she needs to show me her identification." 

While listening to my best friend flipping out on the poor stubborn delievery man I snatched my purse and made my way over to them, interrupting their banter. "Hey, I'm Alex, here, my drivers licence." He checked the photo, the name and nodded, handed me an envelope and his tablet, I signed and wished him well before I closed the door, walked to our kitchen slowly, layed the envelope carefully at the counter and sat down. 

Appearing in the door frame Lisa practically bounced of excitement. "Open it, open it, open it!" It took another small eternity before I could do so. My hands were shaking so much that the envelops content were spralled on the floor and Lisa snatched it faster then I could lean down. With visible excitment she turned the sheets in her hands...and confusion took her features over. "What?" I asked impatiently as she handed it over. 

There had been nothing in the letter then a flight ticket and a little handwrote note saying "We need to talk." with a number scribbled below. Hugh. While I still were processing what this should mean Lisa went on a lighting speed fast run to my room and returned with my cell phone, already unlocked and ready. Of course we did know each others security code. 

"Call him, call him, call him!" "Revision is starting to get a problem for you!" She shoved me playfully, and put the phone in my hand. I couldn't say that I was excited about how excited she was of all of this. Since we had found out who the stranger I had hooked up with were, Lisa was kind of exuberant. For me, it had been another shock and I couldn't say I had gotten used to that already.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

About two weeks earlier

"Nope. Nope. Nope." Alex sighed as her friend brought up one picture after another. As it turned out the party she had attendet with one of their closer friends had been an vip-celebration after a fairly big local festival and was not only cramped with people but also with their phones. There were a pretty big amount on snapshots of that evening running around the internet and they had decided to look at them in order to refresh her memory. 

She had remembered his face yet and an uneasy feeling took her over – familiarity. Somehow she seemed to know him, but more then only from making out drunk. Alex just couldn't grab the memory why.  
Lisa was in good humour by that time. She put on a show in presenting the potential candidates, giving each of them a made up describtion. "And here we have...phu, I don't know that guy, but let's call him Bernhard. Bernhard likes eyeliner, it seems." Frustrated Alex leaned her head back and sighed again. "No, < Bernhard > is blonde. That guy had..." she stayed in that position and mused, "red hair." 

Dissapproving her best friends brow shot up. "A red head? Really?" "You're silly. Go on." Snoring Lisa flipped to the next picture, a wide smile spreading on her face. "Speaking of red hair, here we got the maybe most famous candidate and, if I'm allowed to say so, the hottest until now. I introduce you to Joshua William Dun, drummer of the marvelous twenty one pilots. Not that he would really take part in this nice little competition, i've heard he's more the shy guy, but that was clear, the good one's are always..." 

The rambling girl was silenced by the force with which her friend gripped her arm. "Ouch!" Turning around upset Lisa wanted to bark at her, but when she recognised Alex stare she though of better. "Äh...you're not going to tell me you screwed Josh Dun aren't you?" Not getting an answer was as good as getting one at that point.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"...not really happy with that part right now. Maybe you can delay that scream a littlebit?" Annoyed chewing at his gum and throwing little paper balls from the set list he ripped into the trash bin across the small controll room of the studio Josh watched his friends concentrated face. Tyler was really into work these days, it seemed he never stopped creating, writing, singing, promoting...all on a professional level that the drummer would not have putted past him when they started out.

Of course Tyler had always been a perfectionist, but still it felt like he had grown up on his friend, being married and the perfect celebrety and beloved son and, and, and. The singer was so much more then < just > the head behind their band, while Josh himself felt a lot reduced to his looks these days. 

It was not the way interviewers were kind of disappointed when Tyler didn't show up or fans asking him about the singer all the time. It was the way their crew and families treated him when he went to extremes, unable to cry out for help, and none of them seemed to recognise. All they did were telling him to stop for the bands, the successes, their own sake, but no one ever asked why he actually took the road to self destruction and put the pedal to the floor.

Of course, Tyler was still there. Even despite all their their differences, the younger had gone back to ignore the problems and comforting him when it was necessary. Josh wondered what it would take to get rid of him. He didn't deserved to have people like Ty around him. 

Glad for the distraction that blocked his thoughts the drummer snatched his phone from the seat beside him when it went vibrating. He checked up on the number, a pretty foreign one, and answered curiously. "Hello?" Nothing. The person on the other side of the line was silent, although he could tell he or she could hear him by the way the sound of breathing became uneven. 

Close to just hanging up a thought strucked him like lightning. Shooting up and shielding his mouth he mumbled "Don't hang up, give me a minute!" and stormed out of the room, surprised watched by his friend. He headed in the direction of the parking lot first but then choosed a better option and ran up the stairs to the roof. Reaching it he pulled his phone up again, regulated his breath and hoped the call was still on hold. 

"Hello?" he tried again, this time she seemed to had more confidence because he got a quiet: "Hey." Recognizing his hands shaking Josh leaned on the door and let himself slit down. Carefully bracing himself for this conversation he got on. "Is this Alex?" It took some seconds to get her to talk again, but at least she started to spill more then one word. "Yeah. It is. So...you wanted to talk?" 

Closing his eyes he tried to remember as much of her as he could. He had done this proceedere for some days now and his image of her had gotten clearer and clearer. She had been cute, he remembered, not exactly breathtaking beautiful but nice, plus a shining personality, even if she had been dead drunk. 

Gathering his thoughts and focusing again he got back to the conversation. "We should really do this...just...look, I'm not so good with words and I'm in kind of a hurry at the moment. And I think our < problem > is something we should not discuss like this but from eye to eye. If there's still..." he chocked on the sentence, momentarily realising that he didn't even knew, "I mean...if you haven't..." 

This time she let no silence linger in the air and he was grateful for it. And for the answer, he ascertained surprised. "No. I did not abort." she gave back dry. Truce. They had run out of words without even really starting, feeling the lack of an physical opposite. "Ok..." he sighed kind of relieved, "you can use that ticket I sended from today for ten days now. Maybe just check when you're ready to go and then let me know so I can get someone pick you up?" 

"Why don't you come over here and I let your sorry ass get dragged out of the airport by a random stranger?" Startled he didn't really know what to reply on that, but she got herself together. "I'm sorry. I'm just a littlebit nervous. And tense. And sick. And..." "Ok, ok, I get it!" he cut her off, crinching on the sarcasm of her tone. "I would fly over there but unfortunatly I'm stuck with my job right here." "And you assume I'm free because tapping some drums is more important then whatever I do for a living?" "I don't < tap > my drums, I hit them. And what do you do for a living anyway?" 

She snorted, like she wanted to tell that this was not the point. Josh already hated arguing with her. "See, I don't have the time and the energy to listen to you complaining. I'm an asshole, ok? I knocked you up, it's all my fault, I'm sorry, take whatever you want to hear for now, but could you please just get yourself in a plane and come over here so we can talk properly?" 

Taking a deep breath he restrained himself and calmed down his voice. "I may have made an mature fault with what I did to...with you, but I'm not the one to run from consequences, alright? If you want to never see me again after we met I'm fine with it, but we need to talk about what I can do for that kid." 

Hearing Tyler calling his name in the staircase Josh were eager to get to the end of this. "I gotta go now, will you call me when you're coming?" Sighing and an unpleasent growl met his ear. "Fine." she hissed and the line went dead at the same time the door was shoved in his back as Tyler tried to open it. 

"Josh? Are you out there?" Taking a few steps foreward so the door could swung open the drummer faced his friend. "What the heck are you doing up here?" the younger asked him suspicious, letting his gaze observant glide over him. "Taking a break." "Haven't we agreed on you not blazing while we record?" "Who are you, my freaking mother?" They glared at each other for a moment, then Josh could see the singers features soften up and instantly felt guilty at being so shitty towards him again. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. And I didn't blaze, alright? I keep my pomises.There are just...some things going on that bother me." Sighing the younger relaxed a bit but still radiated worry. "I figured that out like twelve months ago. Care to already talk to me?" "Not right now." Josh answered, "But...are you free tonight?" He was rewarded for opening up with something he hadn't seen in months now: Tyler smiling. The younger had gone through his usual recording – depressions, the lows he always had when he felt like there wouldn't be any progress.

Normally Josh always had been the one to cheer him up – this circle, it seemed, he had constantly dragged the singer down with himself, at least that was what everyone else saw. Little did they know how complicated their whole relationship had really become. Now, that they both reached a new low, a new dimension of problems, it was time to rely on their friendship again. "I think Jenna might let me go out if I ask nicely." Tyler snickered, always the nice, devotive husband. "If not we can always have you sneak out the window." "Like in good old days?" "Like in good old days, bro."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"Fine." I hissed and cut the line before I snapped "What?" and threw a pillow at Lisa, who sat on the couch across me and gave me a dissaproved glance. She avoided it with ease and threw it back at me. "You were being a bitch!" "Well, he was an ass, so..." Annoyed she got up and came over to sit beside me. "He was not." "He's taking himself to seriously. < I don't tapp my drums, I hit them > jeeeez." I rolled my eyes dramatically at that, but unfortunatly she knew me all to well to get that I just tried to avoid to think about what to do next.

Sighing again she threw her arm around my shoulder. "If you ask me he was pretty friendly for how you acted. Plus, he's right. That guy is practically shuffling money every second he plays his drums and you are selling shirts for six hours a day just to get enough to make a living." "Like money is the only thing that matters." Before I could even give a huff Lisa shoved me in the side and got on nearly angry. "Why the hell do you want this to be a negative experience? I mean...that guy is doing a lot to take responsibilty it seems. Could have been the other way around. He is handsome, he seems to be fairly nice...what's your deal? Why don't think this could be the start of something wonderful?" 

God, how I hated her optimisticm. Lisa had always been a hippie and for the most part that might have been why we were such good friends. While she cheered me up and restored my faith in mankind every chance she got, I grounded her into reality when she was floating on her < love is all we need > thing. 

"Because I don't want < something wonderful >, alright? I'm done with relationships, ok? Michael teached me that they are just lost lifetime. All i want is to find a way to give that kid an actual life and therefore I don't have to be nice to it's originator." Taking another of her sudden mood swings Lisa started to laugh so hard she had to grab my shoulder not to fall off the couch. "You're not done with relationships, you're in a relationship with dun!" she gasped and I facepalmed with all the might I had. This was going to be a very long night.


	2. Frens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always good to have frens around

Halfhearted Josh had tried to clean up his appartment but he stopped somewhere between emptying his second beer and realising that there was no way Tyler wouldn't recognise what he had been doing in the last weeks. There were far too much bottles, far too much half smoked joints rolling around to hide. And, to be true, he didn't really care. 

Right now he was on the way back to the feeling he had found comfort in, it had been just too easy to slip in it again, with sipping and swallowing and drugging himself down to the point where he could have no clear thought and therefor had to delay decisions. It was like buying time from your own mind by switching it off...or, like the little voice in the back of his head told him, a betrayel to himself.

There was no knock to signalise his friend where there, they had exchanged keys a while ago, mainly because they were too lazy to get up to open the door for the other when they knew they could trust each other well enough to not have to bet afraid of a missuse.  
So the drummer just stayed sitting on the floor beside his practicing kit in the livingroom, lit a cigarette and waited for his friend to find him. 

The slightly disgusted look on Tylers face as he observed the condition of the room made place for a worried one, again, as he recognised his friend. It gave a sting in his heart to see Josh like this. Back then, when their friendship was build, one of the things he had admired the most upon the older had been his self controll. Josh never cursed, he never drank, he did not smoke and if he did weed it was just on special occasions like a birthday or something like that.

Now it seemed like he tried to make up for years of not doing all this things in weeks. It hadn't took the singer long to recognise that the blue batches under his friends eyes where not comming from the lack of sleep but the coma of intoxication he suffered each night. He had smelled the smoke on Joshs cloathes before he had even saw him light a cigarette. The shaking of his hands, the unpredictable mood swings, the times he fell asleep exhausted during the day...all the little clues that build a nasty pic together. 

Still Tyler had tried not to push the older. The break up with Debby had been way too hard on him that the singer wanted to confrontate him with the unhealthyness of his coping methods immideatly. He had hoped that Josh would realise himself where he were going, after all the drummer was pretty intelligent without haveing a graduation. Unfortionatly that hadn't been the case and the singer had started to deal with all the questions and concerned requests from family, friends, crew and managers. 

He told them everything was alright though, that Josh just needed some time and space to process the wild ride they had the year before and that it was the best if everybody backed up and just waited till he came around. That he never did had kept Tyler awake for endless nights and he was more then glad that Josh finally had signalised that he was ready to talk to him again. 

"Dude...I know you won't like to hear it, but that's just gross." "You don't like the rockstar vibe of the room? Dang, and I worked so hard on it." Holding up his warm beer to Tyler the drummer let his head fall back against the wall. "Wanna get wasted?" Grumbling something to himself the younger cleared a spot beside his friend by tossing trash away with his food and then sat down, their shoulders touching. 

"Seriously, Jishwa...this is not you. You really start to scare me, bro." It was silent for a minute, when the older killed his cigarette and instantly lightet a joint he found somewhere beside him. "This is the new me. Get used to it." Not willing to let this go Tyler reached foreward and gently took the drug out of his friends fingers, killed it and threw it somewhere into the trashed depths of the room.

"No. I will not. And if you don't freaking start to talk to me right now I will leave and tell your mother exactly what the heck is going on here and believe me, fren...you will wish you had only to deal with me when she get's a glimpse of this mess." "Oh yeah, she would be shoked...I mean, think about what the god damn neighbours would think of her...or the priest! Don't forget the priest!" 

Frustrated the younger one pushed himself up to stand, ready to leave. "This isn't leading anywhere. You suck. I'm going." Tyler managed it only halfway through the room before he was called back by his name. With a wave of relief washing over him he turned. "Yeah?" It was a sad picture, a cliche one that he took in of his friend, sitting on the floor, hands clenched in his lap, dark circled eyes starring down on the white trembling knuckles. "I think I need help, man." 

The singer tried to give an sympathetic, reasureing smile, but still kept his suspect, too often Josh had played earnest just to make a bad joke out of it in the last time. "You do. And if you just could tell me what the heck is wrong with you I might be able to help you fix it. Just talk to me, Joshua." In a determined movement he went back to his friend, grabbed his wrists and dragged him up. "Come on, we'll go somewhere outside, out of this hole." 

They settled on going to the river then. When they sat there in the gras, sourrounded by the melody of wind and water Josh realised for the first in a long time how much he missed them. The day their frienship got that big major crack was more then a year ago now. The day when Tyler told him he should leave Debby, that she was no good for him, that she had tried to hit on the singer. The day Debby told him the same. 

Feeling abandoned and betrayed by the two people he loved most he had fleed into his own world, had cut his personal interaction with Tyler to a minimum, from one day to the other, as well as any interaction with anyone else. Josh became more and more silent the more week and months went, and right now he felt like all the words built up in his mind were about to break at once. He didn't even know where to begin and was grateful that Tyler still had the ability to wait, let him find his own pace, like they ever had used to talk. 

"I know you where drunk. I now she kissed you not the other way around. But I can't get the fuck over it Tyler! You didn't tell me for months! How am I supposed to trust anyone ever again when the woman that I love and my best friend both lied to me?" It was hard to keep all the anger in check that welled up at the thoughts he had burried so deep inside of him and coverd with tons of alcohol. 

His friend just sat beside him, his fingers playing with the grass, looking to the ground, taking it all. Tyler knew he deserved it and that the drummer finally started to blame him was welcome. The silence between them had been a lot worse. "I mean...I really loved her Ty, you knew that! And don't tell me you tried to push her back again. Mark was with you and if it wasn't for him...man, you were dead drunk, you couldn't have stopped if you wanted. I don't care if she was sober, if I will ever be able to get over that it will take me years I guess. Unfortunatly something happened...something I think i can not make through without a friend..." 

"I'd do everything to turn time back, really. I know I deserve this, ok? But maybe we can settle on some kind of truce..." Tyler swung in, stopping the babbling, focusing them on the subject. "How about that: You can keep hating me and insulting me and push me psychologialy and physically as much as you want and in return you start to talk to me again. Please..."

The words trailed off with the wind and they sat silent again for some minutes, Tyler tugging halm after halm out of the earth, Josh looking distant at the flowing water before them. His voice was broken, smaller then it used to be when he finally opened up.  
"It's not that I'm not happy for you that Jenna forgave you. I mean...you're my best friend I want you to be happy. But...it just feels kind of unfair, ok? I lost everything I had...her, you...and for you nothing changed. You got sucess, you got your wife, you got everybody drooling over what a perfect artist you are...nobody cares about me. Not even you anymore."

What could sound like the speech of an jelous kid dripped so much of sadness and anxiety that Tyler didn't dare to make a joke on it. He just slightly shook his head and gave back softly: "That's not true. I'm here, aren't I? I DO care about you. I always have. And I'm so sorry for what happened. And I want to see you happy too." 

Josh sighed at this, still avoiding to face his friend directly. "I drink too much. I smoke too much. I god damn do to much of everything. I'm aware of that Tyler. It just hurts too much to not do so...to live on the sideline and watch everyone getting what they want. And if all of this shit weren't enough I made a serious mistake. A really big one. Like in: Totally fucked up." 

Getting slowly uneasy the singer stopped the grass-pulling and turned. With careful, nearly hestitant movement he touched the others shoulder and made him turn as well. "Whatever it is Josh we will get over it together ok? Let me make up for the shit I pulled you through." It was the first time since months that they looked straight at each other again and the youngers heart nearly broke on the realisation how much he had hurted the other. 

Seeing Tyler at the verge of tears the drummer where quick to get on. "Hey, hey, calm down it's not THAT bad. Or is it? I'm not really sure...it's.." he ruffled his hair nervously, "ok...see...remember that night in europe, when I went MIA?" Tyler stiffed at the mention...it had been a nightmare. The whole crew had searched for him, they even nearly called the police as he showed up totally done and full as a barrel. 

"I met someone at that stupid aftershow party...and...she took me home. I know what you will think of me, but I was just so lonely that day...and tired of waiting for someone to notice it. We had sex, unprotected. I paniced about that afterwards and took some tests, thank god she was clean. So I forgot about it. Until two weeks ago." Yet knowing what his bandmate was going to tell him Tyler still crinched on the news. "I got a random girl knocked up. And she's going to keep the baby..."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Nervously I tripped from one foot on the other and cursed the security regulations for seperating Lisa and me so early. There was still an hour to go before my plane would be even borded, and so I was reduced to loose myself in the digital world as I was not interested in interact with other people that much. 

I had sended Josh a simple message with the dates of my flight and got an simple "Ok." back. Hm. For a moment fear got the best of me...this was very, very stupid. Taking a strangers offer to flight to the other side of the world with a – what I found remarkarble – one way ticket and practically no money was pretty up on the dumbest-things-to-do list. But given the fact that we had already spent a night together without him killing me I could convince myself I was fairly safe.

More out of boredom as of curiosity (I had always been good in lying to myself) I hit up google and typed in the first two letters of his bands name. That I had done that pretty often were shown by the fact that * twenty one pilots * showed up immediatly. I clicked on the news section and found a lot of fresh articles. The texts stayed mostly the same, * new record on they way * and stuff like that, but the pictures variated slightly. What they had all in common was that he looked tired, drained even. 

I knew the signs, he was partying way too much, that was what some articles said too...that him and his bandmate didn't seem to be so close anymore, that he were seen at a lot of partys...yet there had been no * drunk incident *, at least none that the press noticed. Slightly shivering I tried to picture what would happen if they would learn about this.

The quirming of my phone startled me back to reality and I flipped on the messanger, awaiting it to be some encouraging qoutes from Lisa, but was surprised to find it was one from him. "Hey there. Msorry that I didn't text back longer lately, was hurried. Got some1 to wait for u at the airport, she will take good care of u. Hope ur flight goes well. Can't wait to see u. J." I blinked. I read it again. I put my phone in my pocket again, stared dumbfolded straight ahead before taking it out again and reading the message all over. 

What was that? Instantly the emotional rollercoaster I was put through by my hormons lately took another turn and I felt a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach as I studied his features again. He couldn't wait to see me...how good his face was available 24/7. Out of a sudden inspiration I raised my phone and took a selfie. My face was partly shadowed by the hoddy I weared, but it was enough to give him an idea how I looked in case he had forgotten it. 

With sweating palms I typed the text and sended the message. "Hey there. In case u don't remember: that's silly me waiting for the plane. Hope I'm not going to throw up out of panic up there. Pretty zealous 2 see u 2. A." It took only a few seconds for the answer, a winking smiley. Grinning I let my phone slip back and snatched my bag. Maybe he wasn't that bad. 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Biting her nails Lisa waited at the visitors platform for her friends plane to take off. She really had whished to be able to stay with Alex longer, she had sensed how nervous the other was. As if the circumstances had not been thrilling enough it was Alex' first flight and she flipped out about it from the day the booking were set. 

Lisa had done al she could to calm her down and prepare her for the adventure, she even bought maps of LA and marked nice places to go just to ease her friends mind. All their life the two of them had conquered all their problems together – sometimes Lisa had to poke around to learn that Alex had a problem at all – and this was the first time she would not be able to be there to catch the other's fall if it happened.

It made her more uneasy then it would have with any other of her friends. Alex was special. As hard and cold she seemed to be on the outside as conflicted, self-aware and depressed she was behind her mask. Her last relationship, wich also had turned out to be her first really serious one, had broken a lot in her as she had never been someone to trust easy and Michael had betrayed her whereever whenever he could. 

The closness the both of them shared was a gift but also a burden. Since weeks Lisa was thinking up ways to tell her friend, that she and her boyfriend were talking about moving together. Lisa knew it would be an apocalypse for Alex to be left alone in their shared appartement, even more because she would not be able to afford it on her own. 

With the current developments it seemed to be even harder to leave her behind. Lisa deeply hoped that Joshua Dun lived up to his reputation and was really that nice, amazing personality people gave him credit for. Even if the chance they would develop more then a simple friendship over their shared parenthood was pretty low, she wouldn't want to have Alex to go alone through all what would follow. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Carefully observing his friend Tyler waited until Josh got his stare as he raised his head from his phone. Sadly the warm smile the drummer's lips had held while he read whatever message he had got died down. The last days had been a lot better though – still they both tiptoed around each other, but they kept talking. The singer had gotten some room service to clean up Joshs appartment and then informed his wife that he moved in with his friend for some days...just to be sure the older held his promises. 

The first night had been hell and after it they decided that letting Josh have at least two drinks an evening and as many weed as he wanted was the best thing to do in this first attempts to get his problems under controll. He had declined proffessional help though, so they were all on their own in this. Nobody beside Jenna knew what was going on and Josh clearly wanted it to stay like this as long as possible. 

"What?" he snapped unnerved now, as recogniced the younger watching him. Defensive Tyler shrugged, well aware that his friends patience was wearing pretty thin at the moment, given the lack of constant intoxication and the side effects that came with the partial withdrawel. "Nothing, it's just good to see you smile." And really, he earned another twitch of the drummers lips and felt proud about it. They were on the way to the healing of their friendship. 

A little hesitant Josh opened the picture of her again and handed his phone over. "Wanna take a look?" While studying the screen the singer tilted his head from one side to the other, skiped the phone a littlebit. "And?" "She's cute! Not bad, dude, not bad." "Yeah, but what really got me hooked was her personality. I mean...not that I can remember so much, but she was kind of...cool, unimpressed. I think she didn't even knew who I am." 

Nodding knowingly Tyler gave back the phone and stand to stretch. The studio guys were pretty ready for the next recording. "I get what you mean. 's the same thing I adore about my girl." "Does she know you still call her * your girl *?" "Nope...she prefers me to call her * my mistress * these days." It was then when Tyler decided that his friend laugh was a very beautiful and way to seldom played sound. 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

Maybe it had been the exchange of kind messages or just the usual tiredness that lingered in her system since she had become pregnant, anyway Alex where more then reliefed that she slept nearly the whole flight through. Phones were not allowed and the displayed movie didn't catch her interest so there had been nothing there to distract her from her running thoughts. 

Checking the clock beside the display she learned they had only one hour left till the plane would land in LA. She hurried to eat something and sort the things in her handbag, took the opportunity to use the toilet once more and by time they started to land Alex was already so nervous that her hands shook violently. The LAX airport was a whole new level of big to her. Of course the one she had started of was an international one too, but the dimensions on this side of the ocean seemed to be out of another world.

Shyly she asked her way through the halls until she was able to find her luggage, consisting of one single bag, and then got on aimlessly, following the tide of people leaving to an excess. On the outside were even more people and slowly anxiety rose in her again. Stranger faces, stranger language, it all tugged on her already worn down nervs and the dizzyness she felt wasn't helping either. 

Alex decided it was for the best to just find a quit corner and text him again, even if the costs for every message must have been horendous. But yet as she reached a fairly uncrowded space someone was tipping her shoulder. Startled she shot around and was greeted by one of the warmest smile and most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. 

"I'm sorry, are you Alexandra?" the other women asked. Blinded by her appereance Alex couldn't do more then nod, feeling the shaking in her body getting more and more. This was way too much, it was too loud, too hot, too new...  
The blonde before her seemed to recognise she was about to panic, because she just sliped her arm through hers and walked her to the outside quickly while costantly talking to her in a soothing, friendly voice.

"I'm Jenna, Tyler's wife. I suppose you know who Tyler is? Joshs bandmate? Anyway, I'm so thrilled to meet you! You look exactly like Josh said you do, it wasn't even hard to recognise you. How are you feeling? Bet you're hungry, we will take care of that as soon as possible but for now we need to get to my car and back to the city so you can rest a bit. Long flight, isn't it? I love over-seas-flights, I find it kind of soothing how..."

Loosing trace of Jennas babbling Alex followed her stunned, still intimidated by the sourroundings but already calmer and feeling more confident. The other rambled on till they reached the car and threw her stuff in the trunk. When she was settled secure on the passengers seat Alex realised she hadn't said a single word yet and blushed on the awkwardness. "Are you alright over there?" The blonde asked worringly as she recognised how flustered her passenger looked. 

"Yeah...I'm just...Hy, I guess?" Alex managed to spill out finally, slapping herself mentaly for how creepy she must have appealed, but Jenna just laughed again and lay a hand on her knee. "Relax a littlebit, ok? It's alright that you're startled...I mean, this is a pretty great thing for you, isn't it? I can't even imagine how shocked you were when you found out!" "Thank you." she managed to give back, and feeling more and more secure in the blondes presence she decided to take advantage of the fact she might had already found an allie over there.

"And yes, I was thrilled. But the real shock came when I learned who he is." Slightly smirking Jenna putted her off. "Nah, don't give to much about that * being famous * thing...Josh is a pretty normal guy, just like my hubby." "You're married?" "Yep. Tyler proposed two years ago and we got married last year in June. Big party." Slowly Alex felt the tiredness creeping back into her senses again as the adrenalin wore off. Jennas presence was very calming to her and she allowed herself to sink more into the seat.

"Can I ask you something?" the blond disrupted the following silence with a carefull placed question. "Shoot!" "Ok, but don't get it wrong please. That thing with Josh...do you do that often?" It took her a minute to process but when Alex got what the other ment she shot up. "What? No! I'm no whore if you wanted to say that!" Sighing Jenna pulled over and stopped the engine. "See, you got it wrong. I understand this is none of my business anyway but...he's a really good friend of mine too, ok? And he have not been the best lately...not to say since forever. I just don't want him to get hurt too much, that's why I'm asking." 

Twitsting the blondes words in her mind for a moment Alex considered if she should tell her to fuck off but she got what this was about. The other seemed to be really worried about him and so Alex decided to be honest. "No. It doesn't happen often. To be true, it never happened before. I haven't even had a lot of relationships...it was an overreaction." Understanding her opposite nodded, then suddenly turned and catched her gaze. "Alex...how old are you?" 

Again she considered to lie, but something about Jenna made her comfortable enough to stick to the truth. "17." she whispered, lowering her gaze to her feet. With a sharp intake of air the other commented her revelation. "That's pretty much what I though when I saw you. Does Josh know that?" "He didn't ask so I guess not." "And your parents?" "I got none." 

Afraid of the question to come Alex closed her eyes but was surprised by warm arms slunging arround her shoulders and pressing her into a thight hug. "I'm so sorry!" Jenna just whispered and that simple action of kindness overran her overstimulated mind and Alex couldn't other then to start crying then and there.

Since she had learned about her current condition she had lived like in trance, functioned because she had too, because it was necessary. It was an old coping method her mind hat reactivated, shutting out all the feelings, setting her mind on being semi-automatic. Now, with the blonde holding her comforting in her arms, everything broke over her and Alex started to sob uncontrollable.

"Shhhhh...it's alright sweety, it's ok, you'll be ok!" Jenna whispered while rubbing circles at her back. They stayed like this for a longer time and the older didn't let go until Alex shaking had subsided and she were breathing even again. Slowly Jenna drew back then, but didn't let go of her hands. "That makes this all even bigger, doesn't it? But I promise you, everything will be fine! Whatever is going to happen, Joshua is one of the most reliable persons I know, he will do everthing do make sure you get whatever you and the kid needs, believe me!" Not knowing how to answer that Alex just nodded quietly and leaned back to close her eyes as the other started the car again.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

It was pretty late when Jenna brought me to his appartment, but I had decided that I wanted to eat and do a littlebit of sightseeing before I went to rest. Indeed she told me that Josh wouldn't be back home until the late night hours because him and Tyler were recording, but somehow I couldn't bring my self to go there. 

Until now everything felt like a dream and I was afraid that once I set my foot in his enviroment it would become finally real. I knew that feeling all to well. It was the same I have had when my parents died. Even when our old house had been sold I had not gone back there to gather my things, Lisas parents had packed them together for me. They had done all they could to get the permission to take me home with them, but sadly officials decided otherwise. 

Five years I have had to spend in a foster home before the laywer Lisas parents paid me got the adjudication that certificated my majority, even if I was only sixteen at that point. I had been able to move into my own appartment and because they were just awesome they allowed Lisa to stay with me. They both held a special place in my heart, and even if I never talked to them openly about my feelings, I liked to pretend they somehow knew. 

It had never been my style to tell somebody my whole story at first sight, but with Jenna everything was strangely comforting. She laughed and smiled a lot and her warm hands took always hold of my cold one's when they started to tremble through my narrations. She had told me a lot about herself too, but I had recognised that she avoided to talk about him since she had asked for my age. When I asked her about it she just answered that she wouldn't want to spoil me too much. 

After convincing me that it was finally time to get some rest and practically dragging me into the appartment complex and into the elevator she had let me to the door and put the keys into the lock, before she opened the door and handed them to me in one swift motion. "Here, he told me to give you these so you can lock up when I'm gone. Just don't forget to pull them so he can get in himself." Jenna instructed and then showed me around.

The first impression of his appartment was...spartan. There were only the most necessary furniture and nearly nothing, beside the drum kit in the living room and a few faded posters on the kitchen wall, gave away that a musician lived here. Also there were like none personal belongings lying around – everthing looked clinical, like not used. "Wow, what an impressive decor! Should ask him for the designer." I mocked, trying to cover my panic.

Jenna had gone to inspect the fridge and was clearly disappointed. "Yeah, normally he has a sense for asthetics, but when it comes down to this place I guess he sees it more as a kind of < just to sleep thing >. He's rarly here anyway, sometimes even not for months when they are on tour so I suppose he just doesn't find it fitting to spent time with decorating." "Hm." I gave back in lack of another answer. 

Strolling through the empty living room I let my fingers tap at the cymbal as I passed the drums by, and then headed for the couch, placing my wrecked body on it. Instantly tiredness hit me and I raised my feet and layed them on the little desk, my head rolling back on the backrest. "Do you live nearby?" I asked, the words groggily rolling off my lips. Jennas head came up from behind the counter, where she had been rumbling through the cabinets for a second. 

"No, we normally live in Ohio but while they are recording the new album we rented a house about twenty minutes from here. I'm done with being alone all the time so Tyler had no choice then taking me with him. Either this or he would have to fly home every few days. We pretty much can't stand a week without the other." The dreamy smile on her lips made my own mouth turn. They seemed to be in love big time. 

"So you'll be around the next days...?" I didn't add < when I need you > because at that point I considered our friendship as too new found to be clingy already. Frustrated kicking the kitchens front Jenna came over and flopped down beside me. "He really lives off junk food and delievery services it seems. You need to get him shopping if you want anything beside Red Bull or Cheerios. And yes..." she nutched my shoulder slightly, "I will be there if you need me." 

With a yawn she got up and snatched her handbag, ruffeling through it and giving a triumphed shout as she found what she was looking for. "Here, he got you a new phone. Will be easier and cheaper to use over here then you european one. I already saved you the most important numbers, Josh's, of course, Tyler's and mine. You can call me whenever you want, ok, and with that I literally mean whenever! Don't hesitate to reach out ok?" 

I nodded politly, already fighting hard against my tiredness, but Jenna was clever and realised that I was just giving her what she demanded. Gently she cupped my chin and forced me to look her in the eye. "Hey, Alex, I mean it, ok? I trust Joshua with all my heart but I'm afraid he will be taken off guard when he learns the whole dimension of this. He maybe might not be able to comfort you right away and I want to make sure you reach out to me if that happens. You call me in the night, during the day, whatever it is you want to talk about, even if you just want to tell me you pooped real good, understood?" 

Still caught in the laugh this triggered from me I patted her hand away and hugged her instead. "Thank you, Jen...for everything!" "T's ok." she simply whispered before she pushed me back. "Alright now, I have to go, I'll pick up Tyler now so Josh should be home in at least an hour or so. Make yourself comfortable, ok? The TV remote should be somewhere around if you wanna watch a movie or something." "Thank you, I think I'm just going to text my friend back there that I arrived and scroll throu some emails." 

Shooting me a last worried glance Jenna picked up her handbag and turned to leave. Before she pulled the door shut behind her she poked her head in once again and grinned. "And Alex?" "Yeah?" "Don't eat him alive, ok? He hasn't much experience with tough girls like you." I spend the next thirty minutes pondering if her expression had been playfull or earnest then. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"...we're looking foreward to some really beautiful days on the Californian cost. So, dudes and babes out there, get your sunglasses on and let's have a good time...which leads us to our next song: Pitbull feat. Kesha – Timber." Growning disgusted Josh killed his car radio considered for the hundret time to get out of the parking garage and up to his appartment but again his anxiety held him back. 

Jenna had refused to tell him something when she arrived to pick up Tyler, all she had gave him was a "And don't you dare to hurt her Dun, or I'll kill you!" before she tugged her helpless husband with her and left him alone with his thoughts. It was way past eleven now and Alex had been there since eight. He wondered if she was still awake and waiting, but the fact she hadn't send him a message still held him back from getting up and finding out. 

Maybe this all had been a dumb idea. What had he been thinking, flying in a stranger girl to talk to her about something he didn't even had asked for. And who knew she was really pregnant? There were always the opportunity she was just some creepy fangirl searching for attention. Jenna would have warned him if it had been this way though, so he relaxed a little and concentrated on his breathing.

When he finally felt calm enough he pushed open the door of his car determined and made his way to his rooms. Tip toing inside his flat and cursing as he bumped his toe on the edge of a corner Josh tried to be as quiet as possible and were glad he had done so as he got sight of her. There, lying on his nice looking but – as he knew from personal experience – uncomfortable to sleep couch, the girl he vaguely remembered lied curled up in herself, fast asleep. 

Feeling like a criminal he creeped closer and slowly sank to the ground before her, fussy making sure not to come too close so he wouldn't wake her up immediatly. The drummer took his time to observe her, learn her features, remember the way her skin felt. He had been wrong. She was not cute. She was damn beautiful, at least when she was at peace like this. 

Ripping his eyes from her relaxed face he got up and fought with himself. If he would let her stay like this she'd probably be sour in the morning, but lifting and moving her would mean to wake her up and he was not sure if he was ready to face her yet. After some minutes of pondering he decided that he had responsibilty for her well being and carefully slit his hands under her sleeping form to carry her into his bedroom. 

To his surprise Alex didn't even stir. She had been so exhausted that she had fallen asleep in the middle of her thoughts and her mind kept dreaming while he placed her on the sheets. Taking some more time to think up if it was ok Josh started to undress her, strip her pretty tight jeans and the sweated T shirt, stopped when his hands automatically went for her bra, but discarded any bad thoughts about it then. 

It was not like he hadn't seen her naked already and this was really about making her not feeling like shit in the morning. He abandoned her for a second when he ran through his drawer and snatched one of his t-shirts and sweatpants. Dressing her again and wrapping her fragile form in some covers he leaned back finally and admired his work. Good to go. Despite the knockledge that he wouldn't close his eyes that night he got up and went to ly his weary body down on the couch, but not without pouring his compulsory evening drink.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	3. Truth without dare

The first thing I recognised when I woke up was the smell. Not that the odor was bad, but it was different. It wasn't mine. Groaning I turned and forced my eyes open only to find myself in foreign sheets, in a foreign bed, with foreign cloathes on my body, in a foreign flat, in a foreign world in a...trying to get a hold of my spinning head I jumped out of the bed and rushed across the hallway to the bathroom where I did my now daily routine in puking my heart out. 

Somewhere between the third wave of vomiting and cleaning my face I woke up entirely and the realisation hit me. That greedy son of a bitch! People often told me I was kind of impulsive. Normally I fought this opinion but right now I couldn't be impulsive enough. With anger brawling up my throath I snatched a cup from the sink, filled it with ice cold water and stormed into the room I supposed that bastard to be.

And right, there he was, fast asleep on the couch. I didn't even take a minute to admire how cute he looked, although I recognised it, and threw the water right in his face, acompionied with all curses that came to my mind. "Pervert! Asshole! Freaking jerk!" He shot up with a shout and fell flat to the ground as his calfs got catched in the blanket he had used, but I showed no mercy at that point, still boiling of rage.

"Who do you think you are? I swear if you ever do that again I'm going to kill you nice and slowly, with my bare hands! Idiot! Wanker! Son of a..." "Very nice and deeply christian mother!" he cut me off, shuffling himself in a sitting position and facing my attempt to freak out on him entirely while he dried his face with the blanket. "Can we leave her out of this please?"

"You touched me!" Yawning and stretching his, as I tried to ignore, bare upper body he gave not the slightest sign of shame which set me off even more then his nearly bored tune. "I suppose...I mean...you get that this stork-bringing-the-kids-story is not the whole truth?" Sending a cushion I grabbed somewhere beside me in his direction, directly followed by my best death glare I hissed: "Shut up! You know exactly what I mean! You undressed me! Explain yourself!" 

As he tilted his head and displayed a fake confused expression I had a hard time not to laugh on the way he reminded me of a lost puppy. "You're pretty unstable in what you want, aren't you? Shutting up and explaining doesn't go very well together." Helplessly defeated by his sarcastic humour I gave up, crossed my arms an huffed. 

Amusement took over his features and even if I tried my hardest to stay pissed I couldn't deny that it fittet him well. He looked all together better then I had have him in mind and also better then on the pics that I had definitly not saved on my phone so I could look at him, no, nah, not me. 

"So, after exchanging nice * good mornings * and lovingly gestures, how about hitting a Taco Bell so I will at least not starve while you insult me further?" Josh gave casually while standing up. For a second I considered to continue, but then thought of a better. If I wanted answers I got to let him speak. "Fine." I gnarrled and turned to head to the bedroom, where I had spotted my bag before. "Hey, I need my shirt!" he called after me. I whished I could have seen his face as I just slit it off an tossed it at him when I was circling the corner of the hallway.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Josh couldn't get the grin of his face, even if he tried really hard. After the actual being terrorized out of sleep he had experienced things had went pretty well so far. Since they had left the appartment Alex had settled on ignoring him the best she could and he fought the urge to tease her more then necessary but lost the battle. It somehow was just too good to see how easy she jumped on his snarky side comments.

They had made it to Taco Bell without her ripping his throat out and choosed to eat there as she finally admitted to be hungry. As it was still pretty early they happened to be the only costumers and both appreciated that, silently overcoming that there was no need to talk while eating. When Alex finished her meal and pushed the tray back slightly with a sigh she got his stare. 

"What?" Shrugging the drummer took another bite and chewed thoughtfull. "Nothing...just...could have been worse." Still not wanting to give in playing nice she glared again and he got the unspoken challenge. "You could have been a boring crybaby. At least you're pretty smart. And pretty. And smart. Pretty smart, that is." Not giving her a look and contiuing eating he grinned inwardly at the way her breath hitched at that. Playing with her was fun. 

"Thank you? I guess..." Alex mouthed after some minutes of watching him while pondering if he ment what he said. In fact she was pretty tired of the game and her anger had long worn off along with her confidence. Sitting in the public, surrounded by the alien enviroment and the blinding brightness of the californian sun she felt way more vulnarable to his demanour then she had when he sat startled at her feet.

"Sooooooo..." Josh started again, this time not underlined by noises of eating, but changing into a way more serious expression, "should we...you know...talk about it?" A little bit too fast she answered "Yes. I mean...that's what I'm here for, not? Talking about it and then go home. Yap. Correctly." Both of them were uneasy with the short following silence so Alex decided to gather all her courage and get the conversation going. She reached into her handbag, ruffled around a bit and pulled out her purse.

"That's on me." he told her, but she just brushed him off and took out a folded slip of paper. Carefully she laid it on the desk and slit it in his direction with two fingers, then leaned back fast and tried to sink into herself. Josh stared down at the black-white photograph for a while before he took it in his hand and observed it closer. A visible shudder ran through him as he finally asked "That one, there?". 

Alex couldn't really see where he pointed and she knew the frozeness that had overcame her when she saw the picture first, so she spend no time on explaining but got up and slid beside him on his side of the desk. Their fingers brushed lightly as she layed her own on the picture and ignoring the electricity she started to explain. "See, there's the head. And this here will be the feet. Not much too see at the moment though, but they say this will change fast." 

Shyly glancing aside she tried to read his features and was reliefed to see a smile playing his lips. "Everything's alright so far, with the kid that is, I feel like actual crap the most of the time." Alex regret instantly she said that, as the smile dissapeared and he was pulled back to reality. It had been nice to pretend for a moment. "I'm sorry about that. Will it be permanent?" Josh couldn't bring himself to look at her, he was nervous enough with Alex sitting so close beside him. Actually he hadn't slept more then an hour the night before, his running thoughts keeping him awake despite of the drugs tugging his conciousness down. 

He honestly had no idea how to cope with this and felt like a blind tapping around. "No, at least that's what they say. But I will get fat. And I will blame that on you every chance I get!" Enjoying the joke he snickered lightly. She was funny, and cute and...more then he thought she would be. It gave him a burn inside that he hadn't took the time to admire her when he had it and given that thought another one welled up inside his head. 

"You know, we obviously saw something in each other...maybe...we should get to know each other a little more...I mean like...talking and stuff. And maybe we can work out..." he didn't end the sentence feeling dumb about mentioning it. This was no love story, this was a fault, and they both knew it. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Even if I couldn't be quite sure if I were right I thought I sensed a trace of sadness as he broke the sentence and looked away. It transitioned a feeling to me that I knew all to well...being lonely and not knowing how to connect to the outside. We were both avoiding serious words and never shared glances too long. Both of us twitched or moved backwards quick if we came too close. So Josh was maybe just as alone as I was. 

Giving myself a kick I tried to brake the tension. "We could play truth or dare. Without the dare part." Not having the time to get worried over the warm feeling that filled my stomach when he smiled at that I got on. "I get first turn. Hm...favourite colour?" As if it was an life-or-death question he faked to weigh his answer. "Blue. And red. And pink. Pretty much all of them but if I have to stick to one I stay with blue. My turn: favourite instrument?" 

This time it was on me to smile, or better grin broadly. "That was soooo clear!" "What? It says a lot about a person, more then the colour thing!" "Alright...I'd go with piano then." Dissappointed he shook his head on that. "I can see Tyler liking you pretty much." "Me again. Favourite dessert?" "That's cruel!" "Pick one!" "Hmpf...cereals." "That's not a dessert!" "That's every meal combined in one! And you are too picky on my answers. Let's see...maybe something more like key data...age?" 

And with that I knew it was over. Josh definitly did not assume me being so young or he would have said something about it already and I knew that nearly nobody took me for my real age as I always had appaeled older then I were. Telling him would brake the fragile bond of communication we had finally found, I was sure of that, but at the same time there were no point in lying. He would find out sooner or later anyway and maybe it was for the best to bring it up before we happened to like each other too much.

"Sevntn." I mumbled, lowering my head between my shoulders and staring at my kneeding hands. "Pardon? Didn't get you." he said and leaned closer so he could understand this time. I gave up with a sigh and raised my eyes to look at him. It could have been a magical moment, our faces being so close, if it wasn't for the topic. "Seventeen." I finally chocked out, feeling a sharp pain inside as he reacted exactly as I had expected.

As if I were on fire and he about to burn Josh yanked back and instinctivly brought space between us. "Oh fuck, I'm going to jail!" he hissed and ran his hands over his mouth, not even trying to hide how shocked he was. It got me more sad then pissed but I was not about to cry in front of him. "Chill! You're not getting arrested. I'm not underaged." "You are freaking underaged!" "Not in my country!" "You're freaking underaged in like every western country existing! And that makes me going to jail!" 

I could tell that he really freaked out at that point. "Does your parents know? I mean, they must have already send out a missing person report! Oh, shit, they will think I kidnapped you!" "Josh, could you just come down for a second?" I started to raise my voice, clasping my hands to fists, realising that this was the first time I used his name on him, which at least had some kind of effect.

He stopped and turned to listen. "I got no parents anymore. They are dead. I'm officially declared as grown up in my country so nobody is going to come after you." Of course that changed nothing, I could read it in the way he crossed his arms and leaned back but not displayed any relief on the information. "Seventeen...way to go Dun, way to go." he hissed at himself and I felt tears welling up my eyes. 

Even if I had denied it to Lisa it had been nice to at least have a little hope to find something more in this then only a additional tragic to my already sucking life. Appearently that was no option, not if I meassured his reaction. "You know what? Thi..s was a mistake. I shouldn't ha..ve come h..ere. 'm sorry." I was quick to stutter out and shot up, taking off like a sprinter, running, just running, away from him, away from there, away from my problems like I always did.

I could hear him calling after me, his footsteps as he tried to catch up, but I bolted blind of tears across the street, ignoring the squealing tires and angry voices and did not stop until I was so out of air that I was threatened to black out. Shaking of exhaustion and anxiety I stopped and took a look around. I had no idea were I was, it seemed to be kind of an back alley, empty and cold and lonely. 

Leaning against the brick wall beside me I tried to catch my breath and get rid of the aching in my side, startling as a loud noise in my bag set off. It took me a littlebit to realise it was the phone Jenna had given me. I ripped it out of the bag and declined the call immidiatly, seing Joshs name on the screen. It went off again some seconds later, I declined again, and we played like this for four or five times. 

Eventually he seemed to get that I would not answer and went to sending text messages then, but I read not a single one of it. Whatever he would do from now on would only be done because he had to, there were no chance he would ever feel comfortable about it. I would be a burden, just like I had been to anyone in my whole entire life. My sobs filled the alley and echoed back at me from the walls sending me deeper and deeper in the downwardspiral of depression and unable to move I clutched my knees to my chest and cried my heart out.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"Fuck!" With more force then he had ment to use Josh drove his fist at the wall and winced at the pain. He pressed the recall button for the fifth time and hissed again as she declined like the four times before. Hastily flipping open the messanger he typed a few texts despite knowing she wouldn't reply to them, but he felt obligated to do so. Alex' well being was his responsibilty after all, now that he knew even more then before.

Questioning himself if he would be able to find her on his own by any chance he surrendered finally. She had already prooven that she was stubborn as hell and at the moment his chances to get through to her radiated to a minimum. Fighting fire with fire seemed the best option and so he pulled up his phone again and called another stubborn, fiercly woman.

 

Xxxxxxxxx

 

"Ah...yeah...right...there..." Tyler groaned as Jenna let her hands roame over his stiff neck. Strangely the not-being-on-tour gave him way more tensions then the acrobatics he did on stage daily when he was. To his luck his wife loved to take care of it, kneed his strained muscels, feel them relax under her work. 

That was why both of them groaned unhappy when the blondes phone went off with the personalized ringtone for their mutual friend. "Have you shut off yours?" Jenna shot her husband an questioning stare as she bend over his head to snatch the phone from the headboard. "Nope, but it's not like Josh hadn't call you way more often then me in the last months." 

Ready to pick off she sighed. "Yeah, but I hoped that would change by now...Hey, Joshie, what's up?" Curious and noosy as he was Tyler sat up and slung his arms around her from behind, placing his head on her shoulder so he could hear both ends of the conversation. The singer was pretty taken back by the volume in which his friend approached his wife then. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" 

Freezing instantly Jenna shook her husband off and stood up to pace in the room. "Well, I figured you'd be intelligent enough to find out yourself!" she snapped back. It was hard to ignore Tyler as he practically pounded on the bed beside her, mouthing silent < what happend > in a row but she brushed him off for now.

"Oh, yeah I did, thank you! Would it really have hurt so bad to give me headstart?" The blonde hoped Josh could feel her sour smile then. "Would it really have hurt to actually ask her how old she is BEFORE you decided to fuck her?" "Don't go all bitchy on me now, alright? Thanks to the major surprise Alex is missing and I have no idea where the hell she is!" "What? What in heavens name did you do, Dun?" 

She could tell then that he was close to panic and Tyler close to die from curiosity so she switched on the loud speaker and stopped running up and down. "Nothing, alright, I did nothing! I just kind of freaked out on the fact that I knocked up a teen girl! I mean...she doesn't even look like..." "Josh, stay focused!" Jenna threw in, silencing her man with wrapping her hand over his mouth so the only noise that came out where not a string of questions but a huffed "Hmpf!". 

They could hear him breath heavily, as if he had just took a run. "Alright...ok...so...she told me and I freaked out about ending up in jail and she tried to convince me she's kind of legaly prooved adult and I din'T say a lot to this and then she took off. Like in: Sprung up and ran. I tried to catch her but she crossed a three lane street without even looking left or right and I got held back by some pretty pissed drivers. I lost sight of her and tried to call her but she's declining." "When did that happen?" "About half an hour ago." Signalising Tyler to get dressed the blonde stood up again and snatched her own shirt from the nightstand. 

"Ok, listen to me: Your going back to your appartment straight away, understood? I'll send Tyler to check in on you." "And Alex?" "I'll take care of her. Just...don't do anything stupid Josh, ok?" There was no answer to that, the drummer just hung up and Jenna and Tyler shared worried glances. 

"You should drive to him fast if you don't want him to get drunk." With a swift motion she tossed his keys in his direction and Tyler catched them in a perfect matched move. "What was that about anyway?" Sliding her Shirt over her head and reaching for the phone again the blonde sighed. "Alex ist seventeen." "WHAT?" With unbelieve the singer stared at his wife, searching for hints of joking, as he found none he added: "Terrific!" 

Jenna couldn't do other then agree with him as he rambled while leaving the house. "Stupid idiot! Will he ever stop getting himself in trouble! It's not like..." As the door fell shut behind him she scrolled through her contacts and hit the number of the girls new phone.  
She hadn't awaited Alex to pick up on the first try, but as she did Jenna was more then glad about it. 

Even if the younger didn't speak a word she could hear how wound up Alex was. "Hey, sweety, it's ok now, I'm here, ok? Where are you?" A few sobs broke their way through the line before a shaky voice followed. "I...don't...know." Silently cursing Jenna snatched her own car keys and started to walk. "It's ok. Just stay were you are and I will find you I promise. What do you see when you look around? Is there any street name?" 

It took some minutes to get an answer, enough for her to reach her car and pull out of the driveway. "It...I...can't..." The breathing got laboured again and Jenna squinted her eyes. She knew the signs of anxiety attacks way to well as she constantly had to fight Tyler and Josh's when the guys were touring. "Ok, listen, here's what I need you to do: First, I need you to breath, slow and deep, like In...and out...and in...and out." The gasping subsided a littlebit so she got on.

"Now, try to find a house or store with a number and streetname on it and send me a picture of it. Stay right there, don't move and I will come to get you."

 

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He had known what he would find but still Tyler was kind of dissapointed when he swung himself beside Josh at his couch and saw another bottle in his hands. Surprisingly it was still full, which he took as a good sign, but the goal had been to get his friend totally off the drinking and if he started before noon they could consider their task lost for now.

Still he didn't brag about it as he understood that the drummer really must have been shaken to the bone by the news. "Sick as frick this whole thing, hm?" he offered helplessly, not really getting that his efforts to help were rewarded then, when Josh holded the bottle out to him. "No, thanks I don't..." "Can you spill that for me please." his friend disrupted him harshly and Tyler lost no time to snatch the bottle. "Of course! Will be right back, buddy!" 

It was a liberating feeling to see the alcohol running down the kitchen sink and the singer felt way better when he returned to sit beside the other. "So...she's a teen?" "Pretty much. Fuck, Tyler," leaning forward and burrying his face in his hands Josh exhaled hard, "what have I done? Not that it would be any better if she was my age...but seventeen? I pretty much fucked up her entire life just because I was to drunk to get my dick under control!" 

Uneasy starting to squirm on his spot the younger answered. "I know this might not be the best moment to say that, but that's fairly close to the feeling I have about you." Josh huffed but let it go this time. "And when the media finds out...this is like the perfect story for every fucking journalist out there! They will rip me to pieces!" "Then maybe you should leapfrog them." 

Tyler recognised well that any logical thinking was not going to make it through to his friend by then. "But the important thing at the moment is that you talk to her. You've already taken the decission that you want to be part of that kids life and for that you need to get along with her somehow. Pissing her off might not be the wisest way to do so." "I did not piss her off...at least I had no intention to do so. I mean...how would you have reacted to something like that? Was I supposed to say < oh wow, how cool, the younger the better >? 'm sorry but I'm just not that kind of guy!" 

It had been a long time since one of them had done that and so it felt strange in the first few seconds but they got used to it fast again as Tyler snatched the olders shoulder with one arm and drew him in a hug. "I know man, and I'm really proud of you...you know...for not doing as you planned right before." Glad and sorrowed at the same time he enjoyed how their bond grew back to the old closeness slowly as the drummer got on. "Will you help me to stop drinking entirely? You know this will be no pretty sight...you've been through a night with me sober already. But...I need to stop, I really need to stop...I can't let her alone in this, she's way too young to handle that all on her own." 

A kiss to his forehead was all he needed to know his friend would be there, but still the words where like balm for his broken soul. "Joshua William Dun, right now you're one of the most reliable, wonderful and responsible persons on planet earth! Of course I'll be there to help you!"

 

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Trying to crawl as far back into the shadow of a trash bin Alex did her best to ignore the stare of the people who walked her by. She could only imagine what picture she gave, sitting on the concrete, her hair wild, eyes red and puffed and arms slung around her shaking form. Gladly no one asked if she needed help. 

It felt like hours to her until her phone finally beeped again with a message from Jenna. "I'm here, where are you?" Using the last strenght she had left Alex pulled herself up by gripping the edge of the bin and tried to find the blonde on the street. I turned out she had parked just a few feet from her and had already seen her. "Oh girl, come here!" Jenna shouted out and opened her arms, embracing the crying younger, rubbing her back and tugging her hair back softly. 

"Shhh, it's good, I'm here now, you're ok!" "I..I'm not...he...he'll never...me...I..." There were no way she could form coherent sentences by now and Jenna sensed that the hormones running around her system might not have had the best influence on that. Luckily she knew how to fight that. "I tell you something, ok? I'll take you to my place now and we will have icecream and oreos and hot choclate and I'll make you a bath and then we just chill a littlebit. You'll see, tomorrow the world will look completly different! Josh was just shooked, you got to give him credit on that, you really don't look like you're so young and I kind of understand why he paniced." 

As there were no answer but no protest as well Jenna slung one arm around the other girls waist and tugged her towards the car. "Everything is going to be alright, I'm sure!" she assured Alex before she encircled the car and got in to drive them home, not without sending Tyler a text that they were ok by now.


	4. I need you to...

Seldom had Tyler been so happy to see the morning dawn as he normally prefered the night. People always seemed to be more theirselfs in the dark hours, more constant, more real. This particular night had teached him of better. The first hours had been ok, they had kept talking until the point the singer could tell that his friend was starting to feel the withdrawel physical. Josh had settled on blazing then, it helped for some time, but shortly before midnight the symptoms became too much to bear.

The shaking hadn't been the worst one, more the pain the older couldn't explain, that left him unnerved first and aggressive in the long run. Tyler sat it out all through the begging, the cursing, the hatred that was thrown at him and at one point he even pushed Josh physically back as the older decided to leave and get a drink somewhere. 

It had been the hardest thing to do, not because he was weaker then the other, but because of the expression his friends face showed as he fell on the floor. This had maybe effected them even more then the whole < Debby – incident >. In the early hours of the morning both of them had been exhausted, overstrained and finally found some kind of rest together as Tyler wordlessly pulled his friend down on the couch and slung his arms around him so Josh practically lay on top of him. 

He understood then that maybe this was the best thing to do, to just hold the other, encircle his whole being on all levels so he could stop feeling the fall. When Joshs weiry mind gave in and he slipped into an uneasy slumber, sweating and sleep talking, Tyler knew they had reached a level of friendship they haven't had before. That the drummer felt secure enough to show him his worst sides was a clear sign of that.

It didn't even matter that he had got no sleep himself at all and that his neck hurted so much he groaned on every slight movement, all that mattered for now that Josh had stopped shaking and relaxed into his embrace. Months of worry and anxiety took a toll on Tyer then and he couldn't hold back the silent tears slipping out of his already drowned eyes. 

To realise how much Josh really ment to him he had to nearly loose his friend. If it hadn't been for Jenna he wouldn't have known how to make it through the weeks of being ignored, the days of being snapped at and the eternity of watching the other fall apart. Josh stirred lightly as one of the salty droplets hit his hand that had found it's place on the youngers shoulder, but it took him an half hour more to wake up entirely.

Tyler could tell he was still in pain, but calmer, more controlled now. None of them hurried to split out of their current position, they both enjoyed the renewed closness they had found and Josh was grateful, so grateful to not feel alone for once after such a long time.   
"I really missed you, you know?" he muttered, sighing softly. "Sorry for being an ass." 

Crying even more because, well, he was a emo sometimes, Tyler smirked. "You deserved it. I did the worst thing a friend can do. I'm just glad we're over this now." Out of an inspiration he kissed his friends temple and then pushed him up so they came to sit beside each other. "The day is young and so are we...wanna get breakfast?" "Cereal party?" "You bet!"

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

About one year earlier

Feeling numb all over Josh stared down at his hands, wondering if the shaking came from anger or fear. Both of them were equally burning inside his chest at that moment, fighting with each other until they melted together and build a new feeling he didn't even found a name for.

Tyler sat on the opposite couch, ellbows leaned on his thights, head retracted between his shoulders, his glance fixed on the floor. His voice was barely above a whisper then, but it didn't matter, his friend understood him all too well. "I would say sorry if I knew it would change anything, but I'm aware it won't. Whatever you want to do, I'm ok with it. Fight me, curse me, I'd even understand if you want to leave the band...I mean...if it were the other way arround I couldn't even stand to be in a room with you." 

Running out of words Tyler waited for a response, a reaction, anything to what he had just revealed but wasn't granted with such for some time, so he kept his breath shallow and his hands clasped. 

"How long?" Josh finally hissed, his voice rougher then usual. "Only that one time, I swear! And nothing more happened then that kiss, I promise!" "That's not what I was asking. How long have you lied to me? How long ago did you fucking make out with my girlfriend?" The singer made the fault to look up then and twitched under the glare that drilled in his eyes. This was nothing like Josh ever had looked at him, it was like he'd stare at a complete stranger. A mean stranger, that was.

"Three months." It striked the older like if he had hit him with his fist. The smile that appeared his lips were no happy one, it was bitter, sarcastic, bad. "So...just for me to get it right: You kissed Debby three months ago, figured that she was hitting on you the entire time and did not find it worthy to tell me?" There was no point in trying to lessen what he had done so Tyler just nodded slightly. 

"Ok." Josh stood up and left, with nothing more then this two simple letters, that meant so much at that moment. They contained how hurted he was, how dissapointed, how angry and sad, all in an O and a K and Tyler knew he would never be able to look at this word the same again.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

This time waking up was better, the best in a few weeks to be true. I didn't felt sick from the start when the morning sun, and not some bad dream, woke me up with her warm rays on my skin. Slowly blinking I took in the beautiful enviroment, the well picked decoration, the colours that flowed together and made the whole room filled with light and joy. 

Jenna had a clear sense for aestethics I had found out as I finally had calmed down the evening before and she had showed me around. Even if this was not their original house and they were staying only for the period of two months she had insistet on making the place her own, had stuffed it with the positivity her personality consisted of.

Stretching carefully i sat up and swung my feet out of the bed. I tapped barefoodly into the hallway and down the stairs, was greeted by music halfway, and Jennas voice, accomponying it. "You're the tear in my heart...I'm alive, you're the tear in my heart..I'm on fire..." I heard her sing and smiled as I recognised the lyrics. This was one of her husbands songs, in fact the one he wrote for her, the only lovesong he ever did. 

I adored the way she talked about him. Ty, how she used to call him, might be tough and dark and weired at the first sight, but she promised he was the most beautiful soul I would ever meet. Never before had I heared someone talking like this about their partner. Liking the vibe of the beat I took my time and observed the photographs that lined the stairs.

Jenna had even brought all their loved one's with them, it seemed. There were pictures of her with various family members, kids and old one's, a shot of her and Tyler kissing at a beach in the sunset, and pictures of the couple with friends, which of course contained a lot of Josh. 

It was like a slideshow through his colour changes and what drew me in the most was the blue. He looked happy in that one, truely happy as if he was staring at someone he loved. "Good times then." a voice directly beside me interrupted my thoughts and made me jump. Jenna had recognised me standing on the stair and joined me to follow my stare. 

"What happened to him?" "I'm not sure if you need to know all of that." Dissapointed I lowered my gaze. So not even she saw a chance for Josh and me to get along. Beside being wonderfull she turned out to be sensitiv, she touched my shoulder lightly, smiled. "Hey, I'm sorry, that sounded a little bit cold. It wasn't ment that way...it's just...what happened effected not only him but me and Ty too. And I don't like to go back there, not even in my mind." 

"I understand." I said and I really did. She clinged so much on the picture of the two of them being perfect that I had sensed there was nothing other then insecuritys lying behind it. "Are you hungry? I've made pancakes!" she lightened up her face and mood and pulled me gently with her into the light flooded kitchen. We took place on the counter and she handed me a plate. 

"So...I don't want to come across as noosy but...may I ask how you happen to meet Josh? It's not really an easy task to do nowaydays that the boys are more known." "Bad luck, I guess? I got a friend at a venue, she serves on the partys there and she smuggled me in. I just wanted to get around people...and happened to be around alcohol too much." Tilting her head she joined my sarcastically tone. 

"My, my, and it all went downhills from there, the good old story." We both snickered a little bit until I reminded what that night had let to. "I was pretty wasted and about to go home when we pumbed in each other. Like, literally pumb. He was about to enter the party, I was about to leave and we crashed together and he caught me and honestly that's pretty much all I know from meeting him to the moment I woke up alone." 

She shook her head on that. "Jeez, that boy was pretty much out of his mind then...that's totally not like anybody would describe him." I froze, feeling my chaos starting to overwhelm me again. "You don't believe me?" Confused Jenna looked at me for a moment before she got what was going on. "Oh no, Alex, stop being so unsecure about this! Noone is blaming or not believing you! I just try to figure out how to help and Ty will beat sense into Josh if he must, you're going to be ok, girl!" she said politely, careing. 

I couldn't do other but smile. "So, the boys have down time today. Tyler texted me they will come over for dinner and we can hang around the pool a little and just have a good time." "I'm not sure if that's an good idea!" "It is. See, Alex," Jenna sighed and stabbed around aimlessly in her pancake, "you both didn't have a good start with each other, I can see that. But you really should give him a chance. Joshua is a good guy down to his heart...he even begged me to take Ty back after we learned he messed with Josh's girfriend. Can you believe that? He was literally on his knees until I promised to not let Tyler fall." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Normally letting Tyler drive would have freaked him out but this time Josh found it strangely comforting. There were so many things going on right now that he had to take care of himself, that he enjoyed not being in charge even if it was only for the simple act of getting from point A to B. 

Leaning back and sighing he tried to classify the feeling s that came up when he thought about seeing Alex again. She had yet gotten under his skin, more then he had realised first time, but when they had sat close together in the take out the day before he had definitly felt butterflies doing backflips in his stomach. 

Also he had realised that his reaction hadn't been very fair. It's not like he had ever looked at the concept of age like this, he had never cared about how old a person was but what they thought and how they acted. Alex deserved at least a chance, he knew that and by now he could only hope she would give him one too. 

Pulling up the driveway Tyler killed the engine, but didn't get out yet. "You ready for this?" he asked concerned, shooting his friend a side glance. Josh was high as hell right now, but they had come to the agreement that it was for the better. To get this going he needed to talk to her as layed back as he could and that trait wasn't part of his natural personality right now. 

The drummer was constantly on the edge since months, constantly stressed out by himself and his emotions, and they hit him even more now that he didn't numb them with alcohol.  
The weed grounded him somehow, made him calmer, but it didn't fuck with his brain like the beers, the wine, the booze had. 

There was no time to wait for an answer as the front door opened and Jenna stormed out, overwhelmed by her wanting him close as fast as possible Tyler bolted out of the car as well and they both crushed into each other halfway where he picked her up and swhirrled her around. "HUBBBY!!!" she squeaked and planted a kiss on his forehead, "WIFEEEYYYY!!!" he answered and kissed her on her lips. 

Smiling Josh shook his head on that and pulled himself out of the car as well. It was good to see them so happy, it had been hard enough to forget Jennas tears, the stain it had left on her beautiful clean soul as Tyler told her. That she was pouncing full of energy again, spreading love, laughter and kindness wherever she went was a sign that they had healed and their friend was grateful for that. 

He was ripped out by his thoughts as the blonde jumped him as well with an likely excited "SPOOOOKYYYYYY!!!!" Laughing he entangled her from his body and pushed her back a little, giving her an honest smile, the one he reserved for the special people. "I would have shared my joints with you, but I think you've had enough naturally." he joked and she just hugged him once more before she took his and Tylers hand as well and pulled them towards the house.

"We've went all out for you boys! I'm speaking of serious dinner here! Like, actual food. Not that crap you stuff inside yourself normally!" She gestured Josh to close the door as they were all inside and whirled away into the kitchen, leaving them behind. "A little overmotivated, aren't we?" Tyler ignored his friends comment and shrugged, he liked it when she was like this, easy to be around, with uplifting spirits. 

They followed her then, Tyler entering the kitchen, Josh leaning on the doorframe and crossing his arms to hide his shaking hands. Jenna was about to get food on several plates and cursed a lot while doing so, but in her cute and totally family proove way. 

Alex was there as well, stiring around in a pan, avoiding any form of contact yet, but she had not been ready for Tyler Joseph in good mood. Where the singer could be pretty weired and reserved if not feeling well he was as open, friendly and genuine when he was happy. She didn't even had the chance to back up before he approached her and hugged her and began to ramble about how luck he was to finally meet her, how much of good he had heared about her and various other small talk to ease the tension that threatened to fill the room. 

Josh settled on nodding in her direction as her eyes fell on him and was surprised with a small smile, that he made sure to return as fast as possible. "Jishwa! Plates!" Jenna commanded then, more to get him inside the room then to really be mean and he followed her offer to interact grateful. 

Soon they sat all around the table on the outside, in a small but beautiful garden surrounded by the prettiest flowers. Jenna really had a taste. Relieved Josh had found that talking to Alex with his friends around turned out to be much easier then he thought. In fact the atmosphere was light hearted, Tyler and his wife at their best, joking around and making him and the girl feeling at ease. 

It hit him to realise that this was what family would feel like. Them, visiting each other in their houses with their wifes. Eventually they would bring the kids in future. Overrun by his own mind Joshs eyes darted to the side where Alex were sitting beside him. It was hot as always that day and obviously Jenna had found pleasure in outfitting her. As they would surely jump into the pool later she wore a bikini top under a wide cut out blue shirt that matched her eyes perfectly. A simple colorful cloath was wrapped around her waist, flowing around her legs.

He could spot her belly then and wondered if it would feel more real to him when he would run his hands alon the soft curve it already showed. Gladly Tyler had got him starring before it turned arkward and kicked his hin under the desk so he jumed in his seat. "Air mattress war?" the singer asked anticipated and Josh didn't miss a beat to get up and follow his friend who was already on the way to the pool.

Jenna smiled and took a sip of her drink, waiting for them to get out of earshot. "Going good so far, hm?" she stated then, well aware of every single time Alex had blushed when Josh was making eye contact or adressed her directly. "He's nicer when you're around." Shaking her head the older got up and gestured her to follow. They went to the pool and leaned on a small wall together, watching the two men trying to drown each other without leaving the air mattress themself. "That's not true. He is always nice if you just let him." 

She sat her glass aside then and slipped her shirt off her body, leaving Alex behind alone as she did a perfect plunge into the water, dived until she reached them and pulled Tyler off the mattress by his foot, pressing him under water and laughing. Processing what the older had said Alex had to laugh as well at the way the drummer celebrated his victory by threwing his arms in the air and yell out a string of "yessssss". 

Feeling displaced despite of this she turned and headed for the desk again. Alex had have the courage to make the first step the day before, this time she hesitated, too afraid to get hurt again. She never reached the table as she suddenly was picked up from behind and thrown over a shoulder. Seeing his skin so close, the freckles lining up and spiraling together was a strange kind of deja vu and stunned her for a second before she realised what was about to happen and started to kick and yell.

"No! Stop! Bastard! Let me down!" The last she had expected was him really following her order and setting her on her feet again...but only for a second before he lifted her up bridal style and jumped right into the water with her. Luckily her reflexes urged her to cut off her "Fuck y..." and shut her mouth as they broke through the surface and she was hit with the smooth tempratured liquid all over. 

He pulled her up as fast as he had drowned her, still her feet and back lying on his hands, her arms had come to close around his neck somewhere in the process. Gasping she tried to blew the wet messy streaks of hair out her face, ended up coughing and laughing just because...well, because. This was life, somehow.

"I...hate...you..." she stummered out between her fits of laughter which died down suddenly as her face where freed of her hair by his hand and she learned how close to each other they really were. "No, you don't." he said, simply stated, no doubt or cockyness behind it, looking down on her. 

At the other end of the pool Tyler did his best to survive after he had drowned his wife back and they giggled and splashed and yelled over there, totally caught up in their play fight. Alex tunred her head and let her eyes follow them for a moment, mostly because she didn't knew what to do next. It was complicated and she didn't like complicated things. 

The shift of her position was kind of naturally, she couldn't even tell whom of them indicated it, but they ended up with their faces on equal level, her feet loosly slung around his body, his hands keeping her supported by her tights. Too nervous to look at him but at the same time not willing to back up Alex decided to trust Jenna in that moment. 

The gesture was quiet more then it might have looked at the outside. She sighed and let her forehead drop against his shoulder, burried her face in the croock of his neck. His breath hitched for a moment and she could feel his heartbeat speeding up through their chests, but hers joined in, so there was no need to be embarrased about this. 

Josh closed his eyes and just allowed himself to grip her a littlebit tighter, started to move her through the water like this, taking in the scent of her hair so close to his face. The abscence of sound was what made him focus again but he found Tyler and Jenna entangled in a deep kiss so he went back to float into this all again. 

Bringing his lips to her temple he quietly spoke, only slight above the level she could hear him. "Alex...back home...is there anybody or anything waiting for you?" She pushed back at this and the magic broke, although this time none of them freaked out, they stayed calm, close, she even let her fingers ran down his neck which made him shiver.

"No. Why?" This time it was him leaning his face to her skin, kissing her neck lightly before embracing her, holding her close. "Because I think I want you to stay."


	5. Split or unite

It got too hot over noon in california, I learned. Jenna made us all retreat to the cool living room after some time, when she were done making Tylers head spin and leaving Josh and me to talk. We had started to speak to each other after that, the first time since we met each other really talked, and I learned a lot about him in this single hour. 

He was funny and cute and maybe a bit too respectfull in the way he avoided to touch me too intimidate. We catched up on the simplest things to know, like that he had three siblings, two girls and a boy, that he was the oldest one, that he loved his mom and was not ashamed to admit that, and I told him about the foster home I had lived him, about how nice people there were and nearly everything about Lisa.

I felt a little bit guilty though that I had not called her yet, she had sended me tons of emails and all I had done was to respond her that I was ok. I made a mental note to change that soon when we finally crashed on the couch together, while Tyler and Jen slipped on the one beside us, the blond lying down with her head in his lap and him absently playing with her hair. 

They seemed to never loose connection to each other the whole time since they had reunited and it was the cutest thing to watch. I could feel a blush rising up my face as Josh shifted closer and stretched his arm on the backrest right behind me, an unspoken invitation that I followed by leaning back into him carefully. 

It turned out then that Tyler was indeed quiet the entertainer. He started to tell storys of their early days of touring and soon all four of us were laughing and joking again. I enjoyed the vibrating in Joshs chest when he laughed, and for now I felt very secure and confident, so much that I even snatched his other hand and interlaced my fingers with his, what he commented with a shy smile, while Tyler and Jenna obviously had decided to ignore how touchy the both of us suddenly were.

With time I was getting tired though, I still hadn't adjust to the time shift and my break down the day before were still lingering in my bones. I yawned and tried hard to follow the conversation, but my eyelids began to fell close and my head lolled on his chest. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"...will never forget the look at Marks face on that!" Tyler ended another story and brushed a tear of laughter out of Jennas eye. "Is this why he always knocks now?" "I bet." Sharing a quick glance they both smiled at each other. Througouht the day Josh and Alex had become more comfortable with each other it seemed, up to the point were the drummer visibly started to comfort her. 

By know their friend didn't really get their words or knowing stares, he was caught up in softly stroking her arms, and staying perfectly still with the rest of his body, cause Alex had just fallen asleep right on top of him. Jenna assumed that she was worn out by her condition. She let her hand shoot up into her husbands neck and pulled him down, whispering words in his ear that made him flush but obey in an instant and ruffeling Joshs hair as they passed him by he let her upstairs to take on her offer.

The drummer smiled wildley at the sight of them leaving like this, he could remember the first times they had done this, and he had covered them up, when they hadn't been an official couple yet and used every chance they got to snuck away and make out somewhere. They belonged together, always had, and he was sure Tyler would never ever risk that again, the singer had learned his lesson well. 

Without the surroundings of voices and talks Josh felt it a lot harder to not concentrate on the sticks his body choosed to throw in his way. It had been particular hard not to drop a shot of something into his drink when nobody was watching and he hadn't wanted to scare Alex with the fact he was taking drugs so he hadn't dared to go outside and smoke. 

Now the need to became pretty urgent, but Josh just couldn't bring himself to move, she looked so peaceful, so relaxed like this and he didn't want to disturb that. Tracing light lines on the inside of her arms with his fingertips he realised suddenly what they were... old marks that spoke of a pain he knew all to well, fading but still there and he cringed on the sight of it. 

Out of what she had told him he could sense that her life hadn't been easy until now, no matter how much of a positive colour she tried to give her tales. The darkness was lurging behind her mask and he wished she would not have the feeling she needed to wear one around him, but was aware that she needed more time too. 

Alex had just started to trust him and he savoured that, carefully planning his steps so he would not scare her off again. It was a funny thought somehow, how much he was ready to change for someone you could still consider a stranger. He wanted to stop his excessive behaviour, something he had never felt in all those months were he had just tried to push the level. 

She had promised to stay and Josh nearly kissed her then, but gave in to hugging her and just slightly touching her face with his lips. It still felt strange to think about that they already had done a lot more then sharing shy pecks. To ease his mind out of wanting him to drown he started to make plans then. 

Of course he would let her take the bedroom, which left him to the couch then. They had definitly to stuck up on furniture too, so he snatched his phone and started to scroll through some websites, ordered a thing here or there. Alex stirred in her sleep and he gently slipped her body down until she lay with her head in his lap just like Jenna had before on Ty. 

Not minding her drooling on his pants he went on. He read a few recommodations on doctors before he found one he was comfortable with, on one hand because she was a woman, on the other because her patients wrote she was patient and had warm hands. Josh figured Alex would want someone with warm hands somehow. He booked an appointment.

Scrolling aimless to social media then a link to an article got his attention. "Debby reveals her biggest mistakes!" the headline said and Josh frowned, praying inwardly that his ex didn't break her promise and told someone. Of course he were dissapointed. She had spoken freely to some shitty magazine and told them that she and the drummer of twenty one pilots had broken up because the singer had kissed her. 

Anger rose in him on this lie, but even more when he learned that Debby had gone all in and even revealed that Josh had wanted to leave the band. There were only four people who knew about it, respectivly there had been only four people to know about it until then. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One year ago

Giving a long whistle Michael leaned back and crossed his arms. "You're really serious about this, aren't you? That's not one of Tyler's and your dumb jokes again?" Eager Josh shook his head, tapped a nervous sound on the plate of the little desk in the lounge area of their bus.

He had thought about this for a week now, since Tyler had confessed, and he had really tried to get over it. But the urge to punch his friend right in the face every time he saw him had not subsided and it began to affect their shows. Josh didn't smile anymore and when they bowed at the end of the evenings he was concerned on not letting Tyler get to close. 

The decission to leave had been made the night before, somwhere between the fith and the eight drink. "Look, Joshua, I have no idea what happened between the two of you and I can just assume it has to do with Debby and that party, but I'm afraid this isn't as easy as you want it to be." 

"Are you really going to tell me I can't leave when I want?" Michael sighed on the snappy reaction, everyone on the crew had observed Josh getting pretty agressive lately and the tour manager had seen this way too many times before with various musicians to be really pissed off by it. Fame was a difficult thing...it changed the best.

"Yap, that's pretty much what I was going to say. Look, boy, you signed contracts. You're Fueled by Ramens draft horse at the moment, they won't let you out of it without high charges." "I don't ca..." "I was not ready!" Michael interrupted him, with a little more force then maybe necessary, but still with honesty and respect. 

"The second thing is that there are a lot of people hanging in this with you. The whole road crew, your production team, your friends. If you leave from one day to the other that means no jobs for all of them. Are you sure this is worth it? Because whatever you guys are fighting about, you're the best friends I've ever seen, you can make this work out, don't you think?" 

Bitter the drummer shook his head again and starred to the ground. So not only that his life had been pretty much destroyed, he even hadn't the chance to start all over. "I understand. I'll do my best to be functional then." he spit. Unnerved Michael sighed and gave him a pat on the shoulder as he left. "I hope so." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

I had fallen asleep to peace but was waken up from a fight. Tyler and Josh must have been somewhere in the kitchen area, I could her their voices muffled, but still above average volume. Slowly I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, trying to understand what their arguing was about and hoping that I wasn't the cause of it.

"Oh come on Tyler, you know noboy will believe us! Media already sensed that we were not at the best terms lately and now they won't stop asking. I really wish I had never met that bit...!" "Calm down, ok? I understand you're upset but honestly, Josh, I don't care about what she says! She is just a pretty face with no talent or spirit behind it and everyboy knows that! This is probably just an attempt to get media attention and I will not be helping her in getting that! We have to talk and be honnest or they will make up something out of the little pieces they get!"

Yet I had started to tremble, the only cause why I wasn't already running, my feet felt like they would give in if I tried. So I had been right. He was nice and caring and playing along as long as everyones attention was at him. When he thought I couldn't hear him his oppinion seemed to be a totaly other one.

I hated myself for staying and listening while my tears spilled over and ran down my face, hit my hands. "I will NOT talk about this, Tyler! I will NOT tell them about Alex! And I swear to god if you do then we're done! I've been coming around after all what you did to me...you will get no second chance!" "Fine! Let them plot their conspiracies! Damn Josh, the only thing to fight this is the truth! Sooner or later they will find out about her and the kid and then they will screw you like you've never been before!" 

The motion was quick and silent, but I got a sight of Jenna when she rushed by and went to seperate the friends. "Guys! This is..." "This is none of your buisness Jen!" Josh growled, but he should have known better. Whatever expression the blonde had when she spoke, it must have been impressive, because after her speech there were no word out of the boys mouth anymore.

"SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! I'm so tired of this bullshit! I'm tired of you two fighting! I'm fucking tired of that whole circus, that whole band, that whole thing! Everytime the two of you find back to each other you split about what other people say about you! But maybe you should take a look at how the both of you are changing! Get your shit together or god damn split finally!" 

One of my sobs broke into the following silence, it wasn't loud enough to be heard where they were but it brought me back to live, connected me with my body again. I shot up, stumbling over my shoes that were placed beside the couch and started to take them on. I just wanted away from here, as far as I could. 

Yet my wish was granted although not in the way I had planned out. Josh stormed into the room and came not to a single halt as he passed me by, instead of it he snatched my wrist and pulled me with him. Nearly falling I followed him, my heart racing and throbbing in my ears. We reached the car in no time and he ripped the passangers door open and nearly pushed me inside before he slammed it shut and went to his side. 

Pulling out of the driveway with squeeling tires he took us off. I should have been afraid of such dominant behaviour, but I had learned way too soon how to change my fear into aggression as well. "Way to run from your problems, Dun!" I yelled at him, his features immediatly hardened on that. "Says the girl who crosses fast lanes when she runs." 

There we were, back to sarcasm. I couldn't even cry because I felt so empty right now. "Take me to the airport!" I demanded and he threw his head back in frustration. "God damn, Alex, can you stop your drama for one moment please! I already told you I want you to stay!" A hysterical laugh broke out of my soul at that. "Oh, I know what you told me, but I also know what you told Tyler when you thought I was asleep! You don't have to worry about that bitch that changed your life anymore. I'm going." 

His silence hit me more then any words he could have thrown at me. For some minutes Josh just stared straight ahead, focused on the task of driving. Eventually he pulled over and brought the car to an halt. I froze as he turned, not sure what to expect now. "Alex...do you really think I talked about you back then?" he asked calm, controlled. My breath hitched as I saw that the fury in his eyes were gone, he looked almost sad now, hurt.

Unsettled I shrugged, frantically searching my mind for hints that I had mistaken something. And then he set the frame right, the shot in the right angle. His hand catched my neck and he pulled me in, let our lips collide. The moment they touched all force was gone, the pull at my neck changed into a subtle streak and the movement of his lips didn't indicate any sort of intrution, he simply had choosen to show me what he really thought instead of telling it with words. 

Too stunned to answer I just sat there and let it happen, closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy. When he pulled back he didn't let our closeness being disrupted, he connected our foreheads together, breathed slowly, constant. "I don't know what it will take for you to start to trust me...but I think honesty might be a good start. I'm a terrible mess Alex, you shouldn't have to cope with someone like me. I'm drunk half of the time and high the other half. I get angry way too often and easy. Every step I do is displayed and watched over, and I fucking hate my life. I hate the fact that I'm famous, I hate the fact that it changed me and I hate the fact that I have a hard time to trust you myself because my last girlfriend tried to cheat on me with Tyler."

I inhaled and wanted to answer but he cut me off. "But...if you decide to stay, I promise I will work on all that. I can't promise you we will work out though...that's not only mine to decide...but I would give it a try! You know, maybe this" he reached down and layed his hand on my belly, "is the lesson life wanted me to learn. I need to take responsibility. And who would I be if I don't say I like it a lot that it means responsibility for you too. You're wonderful, Alex, you're brave and kind and...bitchy sometimes, but honestly that turns me on...and..." he blushed and lost his drive, but it was for the better, I was already close to laugh out loud because he was getting really sappy.

He drew back then, ran his hands over his face and then let his head fall foreward to rest on the steering wheel. "Fuuuuckkk I'm way to sober for this." I laughed a little, because I could relate to that feeling. When we had first met this had been what we shared: We had both drowned our pains then, killed our rationality. Forced to face the reality we were both struggling now. 

I didn't knew why it felt suddenly so real. Why I really settled with the thought that I was going to be a mother in that moment, but with it came the realisation how much we were connected yet and would ever be through flesh and blood. And so I reached out as there was no cause left to not do so. I ran my hand through his hair, down his neck. I leaned my head on his shoulder, not stopping the motion. "I think I like you too..."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

Tyler paced. He ghosted through the house since the later hours of the evening and Jenna knew he would not come to bed soon. The pacing was one of his larger neurotic ticks and as it really helped him she had learned to accept it. So he wandered all around from room to room, watching TV for some minutes here, playing piano for some minutes there and between he paced, slow and carefully and well set steps, a perfect number between all the actions he took. 

It had been frightening the first few times to see him zoned out like this but Jenna didn't mind anymore. Tyler always came back. Turning in the sheets she circled her neck with her right hand to ease a tension. She had been worried and upset about the way Josh had made Alex leave with him and had been glad to find a file message on her phone a few hours later, a picture of their hands interwined and a smiley that threw a kiss. It was a message from Josh, wich felt really good.

Still it hadn't been enough to calm Tyler down. They all knew that this could get massive shit to start. Twenty one pilots were known for being not too scoundalous. With Debby's background story and the current thing with Alex they had gotten themselfs pretty much right into the center of a big fat scandal. 

Speaking to the media had always been hard on them, they both disliked it, they joked around, they avoided it if they could, but with time they had to get used to it. Still Tyler especially had done everything to protect his family, and Josh did that as well, closer details about their relationships or relatives where never really told by them.

This hit way too close home. Her husband was furious about everyone finding out how he failed. Not because he was worried about his own reputation, she knew that...he wanted to spare her the pitty, the comments, the hate. The worried questions of their familys. He would do everything to inhibit that...but at the same time he could not loose Josh again. 

Jenna understood too well why the drummer didn't wanted to dash right forward to the press. Alex had trouble accepting all this in common and she hadn't even got a glimspe on what living with one of them really ment. She knew about the band but as she had told Jenna she had been no real die hard fan. 

So the girl was probably not aware of the hordes of people out there who called themself the clique, of the fact that there were thousands of women sending them ambigously messages each day, that they only could move around pretty freely in LA because given the rate of celebreties here they did not really stand out. In nearly every other part of the country, the world even, they were hunted by now.

Josh longed to protect her of this in the vulnarable state she was in and Jenna totally approved that. Determined she got up and swung out of bed. This all had to be done in smooth mood and without rush. Shuffling through the house she went to find Tyler and tug him into bed.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

After their nerdy confessions in the car they had gone home together. They came to sit on the couch, cuddled up to each other, Josh brought up some movie, but both of them didn't pay attention to it. Like they had shut out the world around them, staying in a perfect created bubble of their own reality, they savoured this first moments of closeness, of real closeness without any desire. Well, not too much at least.

Josh could definitly feel more then his spirit rise when he let his lips wander over her neck the felt hundret time, his hands tracing hers up and down, when she turned her head and began to peck his jawline. But they had come across not to rush into this, after all rush and haste was what had gotten them here.

Her yawns got more by time and even if he understood all to well that she didn't want to break their contact right now he insistend on her going to bed. "We've all time in the world, I'll still be there tomorrow." he teased, as she clinged on him on the suggestion. Muffled by his skin as she pressed her face into his shoulder she gave back "But you're so warm...". "I can get you a water bag?" 

Scoffing she sat up then, a playfull expression on her features. "Why do I have the feeling you're trying to get rid of me?" Reflecting for a moment if he should better lie Josh sighed and droped his gaze. "Because it's true. I'm sorry...I told you I kind of got problems with that addiction thing at the moment. I did good today...but...I'm hurting. And smoke is actually not the best for you right now." 

"Where do you hurt?" Alex didn't gave a sign of backing up, what he had feared, it was not like he wasn't starting to sweat and tremble again by the lack of chemicals in his blood. "Can't really explain that. Like...everywhere. Look Alex, you don't have to deal with this, ok? It's part of a life that I lived until now and it will take some time to get rid of all the traces. But I want to build a new one...and you should probably start to settle in yours without having to face my demons."

Still not looking at her he found surprised how used he had already gotten to her breath in his skin, how naturally her form fit into his as she crawled up close again to embrace him. "Ok." she whispered, there were so much more behind it then he said, of that she was sure. But she felt that he had to be alone, that there were things he had to wrap his mind around and knowing all to well how hard it was to not get enough peronal space she retreated and left. 

There were something she had to do by herself. Lisa must have been going crazy then and there was so much to tell her. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Grimacing I ripped my headphones out of my ears as Lisa squeecked. She had been prett loud from the start of the conversation, cursing me for not calling or texing her, and when she finally shut up every little detail I gave her triggered another scream. I had to laugh a lot at that though, I loved my girly-girlfriend like this. 

"And, did you already re-do your first date?" she she asked eager as I could hear her again and I saw myself blush brigth red in the little picture of my videostream. "No...we have kissed...but...äh...not really." "Oh, come on girl! I want details!" she hissed anoyed. "There are none, really! We practically fought from when I got here till some hours ago." "Did you go all bitchy again?" Smirking lightly I made her choke on her drink. "Yeah, but he says it turns him on." 

I couldn't hold my laugh then, but tried to stay as silent as possible. I knew Josh would be either in bad mood or asleep by now and both of it required silence. Lisa got herself after some coughs, but her voice stayed still rough. "Anyway, when you're coming home? Your boss called yesterday." She got the answer in the way I avoided her reflection and stared to the side. I had never been good in such situations, all my anxiety came back when I thought of how she might react.

We were so close, we had shared so many experiences and now I was going to leave her behind from one day to the other. I was not prepared for how happy she smiled. "Really? You're staying there? Does that mean the two of you will work out?" "I don't know about that already, but we're both willing to give it a try." "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt" she started to squeek again.


	6. Want and need

Joshs night hadn't been all to good, but he had have a lot worse. He was granted with at least some hours of sleep after his thoughts had kept him running. In the Twighlight of the morning he woke up to something soft, velvet beside his face...and recognised Alex sitting on the floor beside him, her upper body half on the couch. She must had come to get close to him somwhere along the night but obviously hadn't have the courage to ly down fully beside him.

Feeling hurt on how innocent and caring she was underneath her hard demanour he gently kissed her eyes and then tugged her up slowly, so that she came to lay on top of him, still sleep deprived and not willing to fully wake up.

"Nggggg" she gave and snuggeled into his chest wich made him laugh. "If you start to purr right now I'm in heaven, kittie-cat." he half joked, half confessed, and nearly died of awe as she started to rub her head against his chin just like a cat would have done. "How late is it?" "More how early...half past six." Another unpleased grunt left her mouth and she shifted a little, so that she could face him without holding her head up. 

"Do you have to get up yet?" "Actually, we both have to get up. I made an appointment for eight." That got her attention. "Were?" "At a gynecologist. I'm no expert in this but I figure we have to do regular check up's on you and the little one?" For a moment he could see her features slip and he understood. It just happened that they talked about the kid but none of them had been really ready to deal with it, don't even mentioned it straight foreward. 

It felt weired to refer to < it > and < the child > so they constant used other terms but still weren't very creative. Josh found he would have preferred to have a name to use. "Do you wanna know? I mean...boy or girl?" Still Alex seemed uneasy about that task, but she accepted his fingers playing with her hair, building curls in her straight strands. 

"I don't think so." she said after a time. "It's just...I don't want to make assumptions. Whatever he or she wants to become I want to leave everything to them open. No boundries. They should never be afraid of loosing my love just because of the way their personality grows." "Hm..." There were not a lot he found to repeat on that so he settled on feeling, smelling, getting to know her again. 

"Josh?" she ripped him out of his travel and he dizzy opened his eyes. "Why don't you want the world to know about us?" He came to lay completly still on that and she sensed that he was afraid they would get into another fight. Yet he had let her come way to close to push her back without hurting himself. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I felt his heartbeat speeding up, his breath matching it a little, although he stayed pretty calm altogether. We both had danced around confrontational subjects since the day before. "You have no idea what we would ask for if I did." Propping my ellbows on his chest I straddled him. "Then tell me?" 

Joshs breathing changed again, slightly, he really struggled to controll it and won, but I couldn't avoid smirking on how he blushed on the way I shifted. Unexpected I learnt that that game could played by two, because he got my expression, returned it and just layed his hands casually on my hips to hold me there, and I went probably all red as well. 

I was sad that this moment was over soon and he went back to being serious, glancing up at me. "Alex, I get you don't really understand how big our band is. That might sound pretty smug but were famous practically all over the world by now." Reflective I tried to get his point. "Yeah, I know." I shrugged finally.

"You might know but you can't understand until you encountered that whole circus. And believe me, it's not always a delightfull pleasure. I like meeting fans, I like talking to them...but within the last year things have gone crazy. That we can calmly eat breakfast in public early on a weekday doesn't mean we can do this on a saturday afternoon. And even this does just work because we're in LA."

I was a littlebit distracted by his tattoo when he spoke. Until now I hadn't took the time to admire it and so I absently ran my fingers along the fleeting colours as I listened. "Tyler can't go through a single day without being asked for an autogrgaph or a picture back home in Columbus. When we're on tour the whole thing takes another level. We practically can't do a single move without bodyguards, there are nearly no moments we are alone with each other or let alone think with our partners, as Ty and Jen had to learn this year."

My fingers had reached the swirl of colour on his shoulder and I leaned in and placed a kiss on it, encouraging him to go on. "The both of them have grown with it, they are pro's in keeping their relationship closed up to the outside. But I'm afraid I'm not really good at that. See, my last girlfriend turned out to tell the press that her and Tyler kissed and I nearly left the band."

"You're afraid of me saying something wrong?" "No. Yes. Primary I think that we should not tell the world until we don't know what it is ourselfs." This truth, spoken into the air between us, left us both a littlebit sad. "I want you to meet my family soon, although." he suddenly said and I yanked back a little. "Won't they even be more upset then the world?" "Oh, they will be! Mum is actually going to kill me when she learns about this." 

"Splendid view. You're not really good at convinving." "YOU don't have to worry about anything, they will love you! I'm the one who will get punished hard. Like...sitting through a whole season of < Gilmore Girls > with mum. Besides that," with a sudden movement he gripped my neck and pulled me down, locking our lips in one of these innocent kisses we started to share, "I seem to be pretty good at convincing. You're still here."

We both smiled at that, then he gently lifted me off his body an stood up. "We have to get ready now." I nodded and went for the bathroom, secretly dissapointed that he did not follow me into the shower.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

We never went to a hospital as I expected, instead of that we seemed to go outside the city to a beautiful neighbourhood with nice and well groomed gardens and neat houses in it. I was confused, but didn't say anything. I trusted Josh, or at least I tried to, after he had prooven that he actually really wanted to take care of me. 

We stopped at a bungalow in he middle of a rose garden, it was nearly cliche but still nice to see. Shooting him a questioning look I copied his action of getting outside but stayed at the open car door, one hand lingering on it. The sign on the garden door made me a little bit more easy. "Dr. Alana Young" it said. 

I hadn't recognised him stepping towards me, but turned to him as he slung his arms around my waiste and smiled. "Hey, you're alright?" Not knowing why exactly I blushed and hurried up to answer. "Yeah, just a little bit nervous." "Me too." he whispered and hugged me, but then took the lead. He interlaced our hands and let me to the door and inside the building.

We entered a very well decorated Lounge, nothing pointed that this were a doctors office, at least not one that I knew. A perfect made up girl sat behind a counter, she showed a genuine smile as we approached her and her proffessional friendlyness startled me a lot. I didn't liked people who faked smiles just for the sake of it. 

"Mr. And Mrs. Dun?" she asked and I snapped: "Kehr. My name's Kehr actually." I avoided to look at Josh and hoped that I had not hurt his feelings by the harsh way I had corrected her. "I see, I'm sorry Mrs. Kehr!" she got on as if nothing would have happened. "Dr. Young is busy for another moment would you like something to drink or a small apperitiv while you're waiting?" Before I could make another bitchy comment I was cut off by a hard squeeze of my hand and Josh setting himself in. "No, thanks, we're alrigth for now. We'll just wait over there, won't we, babe?" 

Dragging me to some comfortable looking chairs he made sure not to let my hand go as we sat down and I glared at him, which earned me a sigh. "What?" "You're pretty unfriendly when you're insecure." "I'm not insecure. I just don't like fake people. What is this here, kind of a celebrity doc?" This time I defintily had hurt him somehow without even understanding how. 

"Dr. Young is actually the best known gynecologist in whole california, as far as I learned. And yes, she treats a lot of celebrity women. What's the bad in it?" Scoffing I leaned back and crossed my arms. I couldn't even explain why this got me pissed, maybe he were right and I was just insecure. But somehow I felt like I didn't belong here. 

There were no time left to ponder that thought as a small, black haired woman in a very well fittet dress approached us. She was smiling as well, but her's were a lot warmer and more content. The pressure of her hand was light enough to be assuring, but also hard enough to show that she was confident. I liked her right away.

"Mrs Kehr, I'm very pleased to welcome you! My name is Alana Young, but I prefere to be personal with my patients, so it's Alana for you." Overwhelmed I just reacted and shook her hand. "Alexandra. Alex." was all I could tell. She turned to Josh then and greeted and exchanged names with him as well before she let us into her treating room. 

Beside the obligatory stool were nothing in it that reminded of a gynecologist, which eased me on one hand, but made me flinch on the other. This all was kind of too perfect. I knew that money was probably no issue for Josh, but it was for me and I disliked the way he just assumed that he was the one to make decisions on where I were treated. I didn't wanted to hand over all controll.

"So, Karen told me you're here to do a checkup on your baby? How long have you been pregnant for now?" I blushed and shrugged. With all the things and adventures that had come with this lately I had not really kept track of the whole < weeks > thing. Alana didn't seem to mind as I stumbled: "About..two months..and some weeks..I guess." "Alright, have you already had an examination yet?" "Yeah." I gave back and started to rumble through my bag and pulled out a crumbled book. "This is...I don't know how you call it here. It's from my doc, he says everything that is tested through these months has to be documented in there." 

Alana took it form me and looked at some pages, then nodded approving. "That's good, we already have some basic informations, yet there are some details I need to ask in order to make sure everything is alright before we go to the physical check up." I tensed at the mention and in the brink of my eye could see Josh do the same. He probably had never been in the position to accompony a girl in an appointment like that and I could tell right away that he was beyond nervous.

Flipping through some charts Alana started. "Ok..so you're name is Alexandra Kehr, your..." she stocked for a moment but overplayed her surprise professional, "17 years old...your adress is in Germany?" this time she looked up and I could practically see her trying to figure out what was going on here. "Yes. I'm approved adult over there, you need to know." I rambled and cursed myself the moment I said it. This was just weired. 

Raising one of her brows but still smiling she got on. "We got no father enlisted here...I assume, Josh, that would be you then?" 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

With his lips pressed thightly together Josh nodded. This was beyond awkward and he wondered if this was just a glimpse of how they would have to declare this to many people. "Ok, I need your full name then please." "Joshua William Dun." Beside him Alex started to laugh a little and Dr. Youngs expression changed to amused as he sported a bright red. "William? Really?" Alex pressed out an he shrugged. "Yeah. What's so funny about it?" "I don't know." 

Her nervousness had gotten the best of her and so Alex did all she could to cool down again. It wasn't very hard as she recognised the sharp breath Dr. Young took as he answered her question about his age. Leaning back slowly she pushed her sheets aside for a moment to look at them. Nothing in her friendly demanour changed, but she showed a littlebit of worry. "I hope the both of you don't get this wrong, but bound to some laws in this state I need you to show me that declaration that you're seen as an adult, Alex, or I need to talk to your legal guardian." 

She didn't knew if it was the subject itself or maybe the effect of the drugs wearing off on his system, but Alex recognised how Joshs aura changed at that. He straightened more and crossed his legs. "There's no need to assume that we did something wrong. Alex has indeed got an official verdict about this and it's legaly accepted in the states too. If you have any doubt about that I insist on you calling my laywer, who is currently working on all this." 

Alex head flew around at that and she stared at him confused. What the hell did his laywer have to do with all this? What was he planning behind her back? She suddenly felt like Josh slowly lurged her in control. He didn't wanted her to be official, so he spun a net of restrictions around her, made decissions, put himself in charge. With a visible tremble her anxiety rose, and Dr. Young had got that as well and was quick to ease the tension. "Thank you, I will do that later so he can send me all the necessary documents. So, let's maybe go to the physical part now. Alex, please strip and take a seat over there, I'll be right back." 

The moment the door fell shut behind the small woman Alex sprung up and brought space between them. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" she spat at the startled drummer. "What do you mean? I just defended you...she had no right to assume that we..." "Shut up! You're a liar. You're planning something you don't tell me, don't you? Your laywer...what is he working on?" Defensive he raised his hands. 

"Alex, you're getting this wrong! There's nothing to worry about ok, I just made sure that some things that need to be done are executed." "Like what?" "Organisational things like getting you a visa. Or finding the hospital where you can actually birth?" She snorted angry even if a little voice inside her head told her there was no bad intention behind this from his side. 

"And you didn't even think of asking me what I want?" Shaking his head he got up and tried to get closer but she stepped back. "I tried to take care of you? What's wrong? Alex, talk to me please." It seemed like a damm broke then and he couldn't do other then stand there and listen, given the fact that this was not the time and the space to start a fight about this.

"I don't like all this high-class things! I dislike you planning things without asking me! Do you really think you can buy me that easy, by taking me to fancy doctors and let your staff take care of me?" Joshs features darkened at that, but he remained as calm as he could. "You don't even know me close enough to say something like that, Alex. Be careful...don't break sticks you can't replace!" 

She sensed that she overstepped a boundary then, but she was way too wound up by her feelings and thoughts to stop. "You said it yourself, you're an fucking rockstar! I bet you don't even care about what I want just because you're used to always getting it your way!" Their fight was interrupted by Alana walking back in, of course she recognised the tension. "Do you need another minute?" she asked politly, but Alex shook her head violently. "No, let's get through with this. The sooner the better." 

"Alright...Josh, you can sit over there if you want, you'll have a good view at the screen there." For a second he considered to leave but it would have made the whole thing only more awkward so he followed Alanas suggestion and took place bedside the stool. It was then when he realised the whole dimension of the < physical examination >. Alex stripped completly, only her shirt left on and placed herself at the stool without giving him a single glance. Not knowing where to put his eyes Josh settled on starring at the doctor, who gave him an encouraging smile.

"First time you're with her in this?" she asked politely and he just nodded dumbstruck while Alex tried to surpress a scoff. "It's alright you'll get used to it. Most men are a littlebit uneasy about this first but I promise you by time the feeling will go away. So, let's have a look then..." Sprawling gel on Alex belly Alana prepered her for the ultrasounding. She could tell that the couple was beyond nervous, even more then her patients normally was, but the doctor had already assumed that this was no normal relationship. 

Discretion was one of her most favourite features, it was why so many known people choosed her. Josh, whom she recogniced as a musician a lot of young girls were drooling about, probably had decided to consultate her with this because of the same reason. This looked like a not-planned thing. 

"There we go," Alana stated and pressed the scanner to Alex' skin. Joshs eyes followed her to the screen, where he first couldn't make out anything of the black and white mash up it displayed. But then the picture god clearer...and his breath hitched. Staring at the screen with his mouth hanging slightly open he listened to the doctors explanation. 

"Looks like we're around week ten. This here are the feet...if you look closely you can see the toes...and over here we got two hands...all fingers...and the head." Alex, who had been starring at the screen as well, tried to take an unrecognised glance to her side. He still sat there with his facce showing the expression of total awe, like he had seen the most beautiful thing just right now. 

"The organs are starting to form out now...looks very good all together. I'll take a look on the placenta too..." Alana stopped her explanations for a minute and moved the scanner further up and down to do all the checks that were necessary. Alex didn't hear her anymore. She was trapped in her own mind since the declaration that everything was well. She had been pretty unfair to him, at least if he was really only caring for her well being. But she just didn't wanted to be THAT girl, the one who got herself knocked up by a celebrity and then live of his fame. She just wanted to be normal.

Josh himself wasn't able to grasp a single clear thought then. This was the first time he saw this kid...his kid live and as the little creature on the screen started to move a little his heart did backflips and made him dizzy. He couldn't explain or withstand the wave of love that washed over him right then. Never before he had felt so connected to another human being then he did to that little bundle of life, which wasn't even a full grown human yet. 

But the drummer already knew that from now on everything he would ever do or say would be only pointed on the task to defend, to care for, to stay alive for his child. No matter if he and Alex worked out – he was not going to give up being a father, no matter how mean and nasty the girl would get in their fights. This was his purpose. This was what god had made him for. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Tyler was like a puppy waiting for his owner as he nearly jumped up and down at the window. After having a long conversation with his wife the night before he was eager to meet up with his friend and appologize. Jenna was right, they had to get their shit together. Recently the whole fame, the whole circus had droven them mad, changed the way they approached life. The singer wasn't willing to accept this anymore. 

He could remember the first night Josh and him spend talking for hours about their dreams and goals. They had promised each other then that they never gonna let get money, chicks or being known between them, and the only thing they had not failed on was the money part.

Tyler wanted to go back there. He knew he had to. The days in the studio had been hard so far, not as easy and fun as they had been with their last record. It felt too much like work these days and he was determined to change that. As Joshs beaten up car came up the driveway he more or less ran for the door, smacking Jenna wetly on the lips before he was gone. 

Smiling and shaking her head she leaned in the doorframe and waited for Alex. Josh had texted her that they have had another confrontation and that he didn't wanted the girl to be alone, and Jenna gladly stepped in. She would have been bored without distraction the whole day anyway.

Concerned she observed the way Alex got out of the car, left the door open for Tyler, greeted him reserved as she passed him by and not shooted Josh a single glance. The blond sighed, but decided not to ask immediatly. "Hey girl!" she offered instead, pulling the younger into a thight hug. Surprised she found Alex hugged back...and started to shake all over.

Waving vaguely in the cars direction Jenna pulled her inside the house and tried to manovour them into the living room, where she sat them down together, Alex clinging on her and crying the whole time. "Shhhhhhh, it's ok. You're good." the older whispered, softly caressing her hair and patiently waiting for an explanation.

 

Xxxxxxxxxx

 

The ride had been silent, none of us wanted to speak first. Dr Young had assured me that everything was alright and gave me a few prescribtions, mostly on vitamin pills. She told me to do a lot of rest too...at this stage of my pregnancy I would feel pretty much worn out by the simplest things she explained.

Josh hadn't spoken anymore since I had confrontated him. It nearly seemed he were somewhere else, in the back of his mind since the moment he had seen the child. All he had pressed out when Alana handed him the print out picture was a < thank you >, then he wordlessly left behind me and made sure to quickly take on the paying part. 

He held the door for me when we reached the car, but there was no sign he was going to come along as first. I felt so dumb...but at the same time insecure. For the moment I couldn't seperate right from wrong. I already knew that I started to fall for him – if I not had fallen already – and I wanted to trust him...but that little voice inside my head that reminded me of what I had experienced in the past made me oversensitive to all the little clues that might point out that this was going into the same direction.

Michael had been as sweet and caring as Josh seemed to be first. It had started with little things, like him always planning our evenings. It had gone to read my messages and check my phone pretty fast after that. Only six months it took to get to the point where I was not allowed to talk to certain people or leave my flat without him. If it hadn't been for Lisa, I would have probably still being under is controll, although I had to learn that he cheated on me every chance he had got. There had never been any form of physical abuse – but the psychological one had left deep scars too. 

Remembering all this overloaded my senses. I was close to brake down and cry and avoided it by biting my cheek until I could taste blood and digging my nails into my wrist. I was beyond happy when we finally reached the rental house our friends were at, with drive I shot out of the car and left the door open. Tyler came across the yard and I threw him a short "Hey." before I went on to Jenna, who was waiting for me. He seemed a littlebit irritated but didn't ask further. 

As I finally made it to the older girl and she embraced me, all my resistance suddenly broke. I had felt so alone, so empty the past hour and now that I didn't had to show strengh anymore all my tears rushed to leave my eyes at first. Jenna seemed to understand, she asked no questions, just tugged me inside and sat us down at the couch where she rocked me slowly back and forth and whispered sweet nothings to hush me. 

It took nearly an hour until I was calm enough to speak again and she drew back, taking my hands in hers. "Better?" she asked with a smile and I reflected it, just because it was impossible not to do so. "Yeah, a little bit. Thank you." Nodding pleased she leaned back realxed. "Care to tell me what this was about?" "Josh is mad at me." "Has he the right to be?" Looking down and disliking how small my voice sounded I answered: "I think so. I might have been a little bit unfair." 

She waited patiently for me to get on and I did, kneeding my hands while I spoke. "He did organise some things...like a real fancy doctor and a visa for me to stay and bought furniture and..." nearly triggered into another crying fit I was glad that she kept me grounded by stroking my palms with her thumbs. "I kind of freaked out at that. I felt like he would usurp everything...and that's something I'm pretty afraid of. So I told him that he can't buy my love. I think I pretty much hurted him with that."

Furrowing her eyebrows Jenna gave a pained expression. "I'm afraid you did! One thing Josh is always very certain about it that money has no meaning at all. Not that he doesn't enjoy the benefits it brings not to have to think about that too much...but since I know him there were hundrets of times he choosed other things over making money." 

"I get that...but still I don't want someone to make decissions over my head! I'm no kid and I'm not even his official girlfriend, which he wants to keep that way, so who is he to make appointments and let his laywer organise my personal things?" I felt her shift beside me, she sat up more so we could really face each other.

"Alex...can I say something without you getting pissed at me?" Knowing what might be about to come I looked down again but nodded. "You're very young...and I'm afraid your picture of being a selfconfident, selfcontrolled woman is a littlebit...well let's say utopic. I'm a feminist myself, believe me, but considering the things Josh has done I can't see an attempt to controll you there. He probably just wanted you not to bother with all this because he cares for you. And I can promise you he really does." 

I wanted to believe her so bad, but still my experience stood in the way. "The line between care and controll is pretty thin. Are you sure he knows the difference?" The way she bit her lip and crincled her front told me that I had gotten a point.

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

"So, this is not your < I had an awesome night with a beautiful girl > face." Tyler asserted after they had droven about ten minutes in silence. "No this is my I'm pissed at everyone right now expression." "Oh come on dude, I've already said I'm sorry! You want me to buy flowers for you?" Josh sighed and gave in. It wouldn't have been fair to ride his anger out on his best friend after named one had declared he had been wrong.

"I had a crappy night. The morning was good though. Then the day went back to shitty again." The singer snatched his sunglasses out of his backpack, put them on and crossed his arms around behind his head. "Sounds like you're heading for a slow burn there." "Burn definitly, but Alex is everything other then slow! She's hostile." "After all what Jen says she is just afraid." "For someone who's in fear she's pretty mean." 

Grinning Tyler turned his head. "As I am the one married you should maybe listen to my hints, man. A dog who is afraid bites. Alex is panicing and I can completly relate to that. I mean, remember who you were with 17. I was even more self-aware back then then I am now!" "I get that Ty, I'm no idiot, but what the hell did I do wrong? I made sure she can stay, I made sure she's treated by the best, I fucking have to take ice cold showers on a row so I can restrain myself from not making too much moves at a time..." 

Glaring angry as Tyler burst into laughter on his last words Josh could only withstand it for some seconds before he had to laugh as well. As they both had catched theirselfs enough the drummer blinked a tear out of his eye and was glad that there had been no other cars around as he had been driven blindly. "Ok, that was pathetic." he wheezed and shook his head. 

"Joshua...have you ever asked her about what she wants?" Tyler answered, suddenly serious to the bone, lettign his head fall back and loll to the side so he could face him. His friend gave the thought a moment, but had to give back then: "No." The younger just nodded and they went silent again as there was no need to talk further. Josh had already gotten the point.


	7. Of leaving things behind...

Over the duration of the < Emotional Roadshow > Josh and Tyler had learned a lot about journalists. There were three general types: The one who had official appointments for interviews, the one's who lurked around the venues and hotel lounges to get some quick shots and comments and the one's who tailed them and hoped to find any nasty peace of misbehaviour or proove of scandal they could think off.

The little crowd waiting for them at the studio was a mixture of the last two. Groaning Tyler sat up und pushed his shades closer to his eyes. "Terrific!" he hissed, he had hoped they would at least wait one or two days before they jumped at them. There was no way to get around this so they exchanged a glance and a high five and got out of the car together.

Immidiatly they were surrounded by the maybe ten people, armed with mikrophones or cameras. "Is it true you had an affair with Debby Ryan?" Someone yelled at Tyler who tried to make his way towards the studios entrance with a slight smile. "Josh! Did you try to leave the band? Have twenty one pilots become a PR stunt?" "There are rumours the two of you hate each other...why don't you decline it?" 

The drummer could tell the exact moment Tyler had enough. He stopped in his tracks and sighed deeply, before he turned, grabbed his friends neck and pulled him in to plant a soundfull kiss in his forehead. "He's still the love of my live, ok?" Grinning from ear to ear Josh hooked his arm through the youngers and added: "Best fren ever." before he pulled Tyler along. They knew that the wolves still weren't satisfied but for now they let them pass.

Entering the studio they were greated by their manager Michael. He had been in charge or their tour and they had insisted on him also supporting them during the recording circle as he had grown a friend. That he was not really pleased at the moment was perfectly understandable. "Ah...my pride and joy alive and in person! How nicely of you two to show up" he checked his watch, "an half hour late!" 

"Sorry, I had an important appointment." Josh tried to ease the tension with a smile but it died down at the sarcasm comming his way. "Oh I bet, let me guess you had to meet your toilet for further discussion of yesterday's excess?" "He's not doing this anymore!" Tyler stepped in between them, physically and verbaly. "See, Mike, I understand you're pissed. We haven't been the easiest clients in the past few weeks but we promise you it will get better from now on, ok? Can you just keep the media at bay for some time?"

Leery Michael squintet his eyes. "Spill! What have you done?" "Nothing!" The drummer answered a beat to fast and cursed inwardly at his of-balance-flow. "I can smell you lying, Dun! But fine...I'm glad you leastways don't seem to try to kill each other anymore. You will have to do some interviews though. We can't let Ryans story uncommented. I suggest on doing your bromance thing as usual maybe with being a little bit more touchy behaviour and we're fine." 

"Do you ask us to make out in front of a camera? Wow, Michael, never took you for that type!" "Shut up Joseph and get your ass in the recording room!" the manager growled, waiting for the singer to pass him before his hand snatched out and catched the drummers biceps and hold him back. "Are you ok?" he whispered worried, glad that Josh didn't avoid his stare. 

"Yeah I am. Tyler didn't lie, I'm trying to get rid of my problems. Sorry man, I know managing me this year wasn't very easy." "That's not what I'm talking about. I ask as a friend. Are you ok?" Josh was glad to be able to give the other an honest smile. "I'm on the way there." Michael obviously settled for this, pattet him on the shoulder as usual and left.   
The drummer shuffled into the back of the studio and positioned himself in the control room where he observed Tyler giving his best with new found vigour. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Waiting behind a door in the dark was pretty sure not the best way to get rid of my panic, but stubborn as I was I held on to my plan. After some hours with Jenna I felt a lot clearer, more confident and sure about all this, about me and Josh. I had told her everything and she encouraged me to tell him too by revealing to me that being honest to each other was the only thing that saved her and Tyler back then. 

I had learned too that I not only had to try to trust him...I had to trust him all the way because that was exactly what he did. He had me coming over here without knowing me, he let me into his life without hesitation and this all after the deep wounds he still wore on his soul from his forgone relationship, not to mention the months that followed. He had layed out all the cards, told me about his addiction, about Debby. He longed to comfort me where he could and all I had given him in return was to accuse him of being an asshole. 

By the later afternoon I had realised that I had to fix that. I asked Jenna to call me a cab and was glad that she had a lot more foresight then me, because she payed the driver as I had no money with me. This was another challenge I had to tackle. I needed a job, wanted to earn my own money, even if it would be absurdly low payed in comparison to what he made.

For now I was waiting for Josh to come home so I could do the final steps the both of us so badly needed. Jenna had planted the thought in me that he hadn't hold back any closer physical encounter because he didn't like me, but because he was damn shy and didn't wanted to piss me off again as I had gave him no signs that I wanted more then we already had.

My palms started to sweat as I heart footsteps coming up the door and the key being pushed into the lock. I started to tremble as I saw the door open and his shadowed form enter from the illuminated hallway. Against all the reactions my body gave and against the voice in my mind that screamed on top of her lungs, I rushed foreward, gripped his collar, kicked the door shut and shoved him against it. Before I could think of a better I crashed my lips on his in a nearly violent motion. 

Josh was so startled that he couldn't do any more then give a nearly frightened "HMPF!" first, but he quickly seemed to gather his mind as I felt his hands locking at the small of my back and his lips starting to answer my attack with pretty much pressure himself. I craved to take this to the next level and boldly stuck my tounge out a little, tracing the small gap between his lips, surprised how easy it was to persuade him to let me enter. 

And enter I did, I pushed my tongue against his, finding how good they fitted together, how he immediatly got my moves and went along with them. Our both breaths sped up and I groaned as he let his hands drop a little bit further and gripped my ass. Pushing my hands under his shirt to finally be able to feel his skin I recognised dissapointed how his grip loosened and he leaned back a little, resting the back of his head against the wall, starring at me. 

We froze in this position, my hands still up his chest, his on my ass, and exchanged nothing more then hot air that we breathed between us for a moment. "Alex..." he whispered then, "...what do you want from me?" In this moment I had to hold on to myself as hard as I could so I did not start to cry, even if it would have been happy tears. I understood that he wasn't only talking about right now, but that he had gotten that I wanted to be involved in the planning of my life and he was coming around to apologise his very own way by not misusing my horniness to his benefit. 

My pace got slower then, I started to caress his chest again, but more subtle, more loving. "I want you to be with me tonight." I gave back after I had pondered the options. It was answered with another deep, nearly hungry kiss which brought our whole bodies closer and I was pretty sure I could feel how much he approved the idea. Still he pushed me back again and closed his eyes for a moment as if he had a hard time to focus on what he had to do next.

"Don't get me wrong, if we were under other circumstances I'd have you good and going in under 30 seconds but...is it even possible right now? I mean, is it bad for the kid in any way?" Enjoying that he at least let his thumbs run over the skin shortly above the waistband of the sweat pants I was in, I found that he were right. "I have no idea to be true." I gave back frustrated and let my head drop on his shoulder. Embracing my middle with one hand and my head with the other, pressing me close he sighed deeply. "We should find out first then." 

"I still could..." He cut me off before I could offer something he couldn't decline. "No, I want this to be a mutual experience." And so my attempt to get us close ended up on the couch, where we nestled up against each other and frantically searched the world wide web for answers.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"So what did you got?" Josh asked and hour later, as he decided that he had freaked himself out enough and put his phone down. He still hadn't really recovered from the fact that Alex had been jumping him when he got back home and that he have had the strenght to hold back when she was more then ready to please him. 

Already after a few minutes he had found out that googling < sex while pregnancy > had not been the best idea. From that it was the best experience ever to horror storys about too early birthed embryos he had found everything and the more he had read the more he had gotten unsure about it.

Alex had went silent as well, the only thing showing she was still running on adrenalin was the bouncing of her knee on his, which he would have enjoyed if she had been able to keep a constant beat. "All and nothing. At least I know now that there are parts of my body I never ever want to think about again." "Placenta?" "Mhm." "Yeah, that was gross." 

They both broke into a chuckle then until Josh decided to end this drama, took her phone out of her hand and tugged her into his arms so her back was against his chest and his feet on either side of her. Tired Alex leaned back and exhaled, feeling strangly at home for sudden, which got her only more yearning for sleep. 

"You know what? I call Alana tomorrow and ask her." "Really? I mean...I would die if I had to do that! You're a brave boy!" Her humour died down when his hot breath flowed over her ear. "Only for you." he whispered quiet and kissed a line down from her earlobe to her collarbone. "Carefully, Dun, you might trigger something you can't controll." 

And there it was...in the middle of what had could been a really romantic situation she triggered herself with her comment. Alex hoped he didn't get it but of course Josh felt her tensing and holding her breath and he immidiatly stopped to let his lips wander on her skin but didn't release her. 

"What's it?" She gave no reaction first so he forced her gently to turn and look at him, pulled back her streaks so he could see her ees. "Alexandra...don't hide for me. I...I love you, ok? Whatever it is, just tell me so I can understand. Please." Once again there were tears in her eyes and it broke his heart, he was so sick of seeing her uncomfortable or sad. They had been playing this for far too long...she was the mother of his child, she deserved nothing but to be downright happy and he was ready to do everything to take all pain from her.

"Can we...can we go to bed...I will talk to you...but...can we lie down?" she asked and he was quick to lean in and kiss the few droplets away that ran down her cheeks. "Of course. Come here..." pulling her closer he admired how naturally her thights fit around his hips as he lifted her, how infinite right her head felt on his shoulder. He caried her to the bedroom where she stood herself, and they both changed in silence, not without some shy glances at each other and subtle blushes. 

When they got under the covers Alex hurried to get into his arms again, one of hers dragged across his chest, her head finding place along it. Josh hummed absently on the way this soothed his mind, he realised he hadn't even smoked this day and had no longing for it right now. She took a deep breath and he settled on drawing signs on her skin with his fingertips while he listened the story she was about to tell. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"I was a single kid, and I was never planned. My mother were an artist, she drew paintings, and my father a professor at an university. I can't say that my childhood hadn't been happy...I had all that I wanted, all that I asked for...I just never had a real family. I was raised by two Nannys and saw my parents only on weekends. It was not that they haven't cared for me...they just made the decission that they were not good enough of parents to teach me to be the best, so they payed others to do it. When I made my first steps, my mum was in her Loft and my dad at a congress. When I had my first day in school my Nanny brought me there. I think I never really loved them anyway, that was why I was not sad first when it happened."

I had to stop then for a moment to gather my breath. The constant beat of Joshs heart under my ear and the feeling of his fingers tracing my skin cooled me down and allowed me to set into a more comfortable pace of words.

"They think the dishwasher had an defect. Simple, but with big consequences. I were at a holiday vacation with my Nanny. They were asleep. No one can answer why the smoke alarm didn't went off. For some time they even suspected it to be a murder. But they never found anything. My parents died in a house fire when I was 12. And they left me behind with nothing." 

I felt him stir under me, changing his position so he could lift my face up to him and kiss me gently. "I'm so sorry." "You don't have to be. That's just how life is, I guess. It was never them being dead what really hit me. It was that they had lied to me all my life. They had debts, high enough that there was nothing left when the house was sold. At least I was free of their credits then and could start out on zero. A good friends parents tried to get custody for me but they failed and so I had to grow up in a foster home. The custodians there were really nice and all...but it was no family. Whenever I got close with another kid they left, were adopted or had to go to another facility for any reason. I was so alone...I had only Lisa." 

"Your best friend?" "Yeah. When I was fifteen I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away and tried to hide at her home, but her parents found me in the basement. Luckily they didn't sell me out but hired a laywer which achieved that I got the right to be responsible from myself from then on. I'm not sure if this wasn't a failure, given the last two years." 

He didn't push me to tell more, I wasn't even sure if he was still awake as his hands had stopped, his breath was even but I was too drained to raise my head to check and just got on by chance. "When I met Michael...for the first time I felt not loved because of what he wanted to create out of me but for who I am. He was the nicest guy you can think of and the first month went just wonderful. I can't really tell you when it started to change, Lisa got it long before I did...but he started to controll me. First he just got pissed when I left my flat alone, so I stopped doing it, I could somehow relate on why he wouldn't want it."

The snort Josh gave on that assured me he was still with me. "I also understood somehow that he wanted to check up on my texts...and that he deleted some numbers off my phone after it. He just wanted me to be safe, right? Only one single time I looked up his phone...and found loads of pictures of him with other girls. But still...he cared for me and that felt good, so I kept silent, until the point he locked me into his room at his parents house one day. Luckily Lisa went to search for me and threatend to call the cops so he let me go. If it wasn't for her...I don't know where I would be now." 

"Certainly not lying beside the next idiot who just was about doing the same...beside getting you knocked up on the first date." he answered this for me and sank deeper into the pillows, which made me more comfortable too. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you for your opinion. This will never happen again, I promise!" I was so tired that all I could return was a simple streak with my palm before I fell asleep.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

When Alex woke up she was alone, the bed beside her cold. She paniced for a moment, but when she got him talking somewhere around the kitchen she relaxed and rubbed the tiredness out of her eyes. Despite feeling sick again she tip toed through the hallway to get a hold of whom he were talking too and bit her lip not to chuckle on the sight she was greeted with. 

Josh leaned on the counter, his head in one of his hands, blushed bright red and tried to find the right ways to put his question. "Ah...well...we just wanted to know if it's dangerous to...ah..." The person on the other line seemed to get what he was talking about and Alex realised it must have been Alana he was talking to. 

"Yeah, exactly!" he broke out, obviously glad that he hadn't to put it in words. "Mhm. Yeah. Ok. I understand." Pushing himself up and turning he got Alex' stare and blushed even more while mouthing a silent < good morning > her way. "Of course! Thank you so much Alana! Have a nice day." She rushed into his arms as he hung up and Josh burried his face into her shoulder. "That was sooooooooooo awkward." "I bet...but you did good! What did she say though?" "Well..." turning both of them and lifting her up so she sat at the counter the drummer brought himself closer to her again and leaned in for a gently kiss. "..she said as long as we don't overstate it is ok. Up to the seventh month that is, then we should get a little more carefull so we are not triggering labour." 

Slunging her arms around his neck and letting her lips trace his brows she gave back playfully: "Good news then...wanna celebrate?" "As much as I'd love too...I gotta go. We're recording some final drum beats today, then it should be all about the mixing for some weeks. I'll have more down time then, so it's only adjourned not canceled." She grunted dissapproving but released him and pushed him back a little so she could hop off the counter. 

"So I'll be alone again?" "Actually Jenna planned on going shopping with you and as I know her this will take pretty much the whole day." Alex tensed at that. She hadn't wanted to bring up the topic so fast as she enjoyed them being on good terms for once, but it eventually was necessary.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"I don't need anything, I got enough stuff!" "You came here with a single bag. How are you supposed to live from that for a major time? Besides...and I hope you pardon me, you will need some new clothes soon." Stepping behind me and sliding his arms around my form so his hands came to lay on my yet growing belly he smiled into my neck. "Are you calling me fat, Joshua?" I fake-hissed and he chuckled. "This isn't about your physique, am I right?"

It surprised me how fast he had learned to read between my lines and held his promise not to overrun me with his decissions anymore. "No...I just don't want to be dependent on you. I mean I am in terms of having you close to me" I made sure he got what I meant by pressing my body even more into his, "but not when it comes down to money. I want to get a job." Sighing Josh broke the contact and stepped back, snatched his shoes and sat down to put them on.

"We will have to talk about this. In my opinion you got a job already, the best one there is. You're a mom...that's an important duty." "But it's shitty paid these days." "We can make something out of that!" he gave back, standing up again. "See Alex, I totally get what you mean, but there is really no need for you to do any crappy job just to proove something to yourself. I don't care about money, I never have. I'm in the position to not have to think about it at all and I don't see why you should not benefit of that. As long as we don't get all < Kardashian > we probably never will have to worry about that." 

I chewed my lip while I pondered if it was really smart to stand my ground. He was right, the only thing why I wanted this was to proove myself that I was still indepedent. "I just don't wanna be < that girl > you know?" And he understood I could tell. Catching my face in his hands he planted a kiss on my nose and looked me deep into the eye. "You are not < that girl > Alex, you are MY girl. And I am yours. We'll have a kid together. There will be no mine and yours from now on. There will be only we...together." 

Sensing that I would not protest anymore he reached into his pocket and gave me a credit card. "It's yours and you use it ok? And don't you ever dare to ask me for permission!" I could tell I made his day when I stood on my toes and kissed him softly. "I love you J." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Jenna was beyond thrilled at the chance to go on a shopping trip with me. She grounded me in the wardrobe and ran around the whole store to snatch things she thought might fit me. It felt nearly like being with Lisa. Thinking of my best friend I pulled my phone out and opened the messenger. 

< From: Alex

Hey girl, how are you? >

It took only seconds till I received and answer. 

< From: Lisa B.

Oh, you are still alive? What a surprise! >

Frowning I replied. 

< From Alex

Are you mad at me? >

< From: Lisa B.

Why should I? Because you are so into your perfect drummer friend that you forget about your bestie? >

< From Alex

I wasn't forgetting about you, just busy. What's wrong? >

There were no immideat answer and Jenna approached with her gatherings so I decided to shift that discussion on later, although I could not hide my bad mood entirely. After changing a few times and sorting out what I would take and what not Jenna gave up pretending. "Don't tell me the two of you are fighting again?" "Hm?" absently I looked at her and needed some moments to understand what she was talking about. "Oh, no, Josh and I are all good." She snuffled relieved. "Are you feeling sick then? Or why do you pull a face like there had been rain all week?" "I may have kind of forgotten to text my best friend and now she's pissed. I actually need to take care of that...and some other things back there." "Alright, do you want me to drive you home then?" 

I took her hand and squeezed it lightly to thank her. "No, it's ok, I'll have time for that later. Josh said he won't be back until late night today." "I'm glad we can spend a littlebit time together before Tyler and I go home. We will actually take a flight on saturday, from there on soley him will be back at LA like every five days for a day, so we won't have another chance to hang out soon." It made me sad to learn that, Jenna had gotten a close friend in no time and I didn't knew how this all had turned out without her. 

"Actually Josh wants me to meet his family soon, so maybe we'll meet up in Columbus." I could tell how excited she was about that one. "That's great! Laura and Bill will love you, they are so humble people." "Are you sure? I'm pretty anxious on meeting them...they are christian, right? And I'm not really the definition of the perfect daughter in law I guess." Taking my hands she smiled. "It will be alright, I promise!"

We went to do some errands more and got some food before I arrived home again and colapsed on the couch. I was dead tired but knew if I would fall asleep now I would have a hard time to do it in the evening so I pulled my phone to distract me and found a punch of messages. Feeling an electrifying joy in my heart I opened the eight Josh sended me first.

< From: J

Miss you. Like really. With every fibre of my being. Drumming helps, though.

From: J

We should probably start to figure out where the kid will be staying. How about we move? Only if you want to, that is.

From: J

Ok forget that, we can stay in the appartment, I'll just have someone building a wall to seperate the living room. If you like the idea. 

From: J

I'm pondering on the colour. The wall colour. I like colours. But I want to keep it open. So...how about green? Or yellow? Damn...this will be a hard thing to decide...

 

From: J 

Ty just asked me if we're going to baptise the kid...are we? Are you even christian? I mean I am...not fundamentalistic in any way...but...well...my mum would like it. Are you in for that?

From: J

Fuck, I didn't push you with all this messaging, didn't I? My head is just so full of everything right now. Wish I could be home talking to you. Will do that later though. 

From: J

Please don't freak out, ok? I would love to fly home to Ohio over the weekend so we can visit my family. I kinda happened to book our tickets so we are seated beside Ty and Jen but I will definitly cancel it if you don't want to go. Just don't get mad at me, plz.

From: J

I probably should just shut up. I'm sorry. >

 

I had to laugh so hard at this and at the same time I started to cry. Fuck hormones. He was so sweet like this, he tried everything to make me feel good and I was so grateful that he had understood that this was just what I needed. Sobbing happily I replied.

< From: Alex

You're the sweetest dork on planet earth. Stop overthinking. We can figure that all out together. And yes, we will be flying to Ohio over the weekend. Just don't ask me to be not nervous...I'm afraid I will have anxiety attacks on a row ;) Love u. >

 

I closed the conversation and flipped to the other messages waiting in my box. They were not nearly as welcome as I wished them to be. Lisa had wrote back and I instantly hated myself for not seeing and answering them earlier.

< From: Lisa B.

I understand you are busy. I really do. But is it asked to much that you at least tell me what is going on? I got it, you will not come back. But did you ever share a single second thinking about me? We're in an appartment together! You didn't pay the rent this month, so I had to double up. As I not suppose you to move back in any time soon I asked Hans to do so. 

From: Lisa B.

I should have asked you first, but you weren't available. We've packed your things together and stuffed them at my parents place for now. The furniture is still here...and to be true it's getting kind of annoying. Maybe you'll find time just to tell me what to do with all that stuff. Not that you will need it anymore, you're off to a better life now, I guess.

From: Lisa B.

It's not that I'm not happy for you, truth is I even pushed you to fly over there and give it a try. I just hadn't thought you would dumb me like this, so easy, so fast. We've been through such a lot together and now you don't even answer my messages anymore. Fuck, Alex, it had only been days since you're away and still I fell like we've lost each other. Mum and Dad are worried about you too. It's not like anyone of us knows what's going on. I hope Josh Dun is everything he seems to be, so I would have to be less worried.

From: Lisa B.

And that's not nearly all. I didn't realise it right away...but you're FREAKING PREGNANT! Holy shit, you're getting a baby! You know how much I love babys...and not being able to live with you through this nor seeing my besties kid a lot in the future makes me really sad. I always thought we would spent our whole life together. I mean I knew we wouldn't probably be room mates for our whole life...but I never would have thought we would be sepperated by an ocean and thousands of miles.

From: Lisa B.

I'm sorry to do this to you right now, but I just can't get over my feelings. I really hope you are ok and everything is just working out the way you dreamed about, I wish you the best. Just tell me when you got time to skype longer then five minutes and maybe we can talk a little then. I miss you, girl. Keep your head up! >

Shocked I stared down at my phone. It was not only that I learned in this single minute how much I missed her, the whole range of my decission to stay here hit me. I wouldn't see Lisa and her parents for a long time, not to speak of my less but still existing other friends. I wouldn't be able to gather my personal things soon, so they would get dusty and rotten in an old basement. I had left my homecountry with the thought of coming back soon...but now everything I did pointed at me not coming back anytime. 

Suddenly I felt so strange again, so alien to this world. I stepped to the window and looked down on the street, the people flowing by, the prominent Skyline of LA, the orange glowing sund that set down slowly. Streaking my belly and feeling my tears tickle down on it I waited for the night to begin.


	8. Family

"Theywillhatemetheywillhatemetheywillhatemetheywillhateme..." "ALEX! Could you please just chill?" Josh murmered from her side as he dragged her along the frontyard of his parents house. They had talked through how to tackle this task best and came to the conclusion to not forewarn Bill and Laura so they would have no time to think up a punishment for their son. 

Right now this didn't seem to be an good idea to her anymore and Alex felt somewhere bettween crying and fainting as he gripped her hand harder and raised his other to knock on the door. Seconds before they heared footsteps coming up Josh turned and leaned in to kiss her. "I love you no matter what, ok? They will understand." 

They could hear the spyhole's lid being moved, then a schrill scream sounded up, followed by the door ripped open and a woman bolting outside to tackle Josh and pull him in an thight embrace. "Bill, Jordan, Ash! Josh is here!" she screamed again and then pulled back a little, shamlessly covering her oldest sons face in motherly kisses. "Joshua! I couldn't even remember what you look like!" she broke out finally, sharing one or two tears of hapiness while the rest of the family gathered in the hallway. 

"Jesus, Laura, let him at least come in!" an older man, which Alex categorised as Bill gave amused before his eyes fell on her. "Oh, and it seems we got a guest. I'm sorry for my wifes behaviour but she missed her little boy way too long." The wink he gave Alex then was a friendly gesture and she was merly surprised at that, after all she was a stranger showing up uninvited. 

Joshs freed himself from his mothers grip and slung an arm around her shoulder, leading her inside to meet the rest of the family. While he exchanged hugs and hellos with his dad and siblings Laura retreated a bit and seemed to first time recognise the girl still standing outside on the steps. "Oh my gosh, honey, were is my mind! Come in here! Laura Dun, nice to meet you!" 

The warm welcome would have overcharged Alex' senses if Josh hadn't recognised it soon enough and went to rescue her. He took her hand in his again and spoke in common direction of his family. "Guys, this is Alexandra. She's...like...my girlfriend?" If she couldn't have related 100 % on his feeling in that moment she would have gone mad at him again for making it sound like a question, but this was just to awkward. 

Gladly Laura broke the tension as she started to laugh warmly. "Of course she is, Joshie, why would you bring her around? Now, come on in, the two of you must be tired from the flight! Take a seat, I'll bring you some coffee and a sandwich maybe?" "Mum, chill, we had lunch in the plane, can we...just sit down and talk?" Josh tried to get to the point of their visit hard, but had no idea how to start it yet. 

Sharing suspicious glances with his wife Bill dismissed the siblings to the kichen to prepare snacks and gestured them to follow to the diner room, slunging his arm around his sons shoulder while they walked and whispering something towards him. Alex walked behind, feeling her steps getting unsure as her dizziness rose. Flying hadn't been good on her and she had puked into the airport toilet in the morning. 

She was glad when they finally sat down at the table and she could grab Joshs hand under it again. The drummer noticed that her palms where covered in cold sweat and that she shivered lightly. He tried to reassure her by running his thumb along hers. "So, what is it, son?" Bill asked friendly, but calm. "Ah...can we just talk a littlebit...how have you been lately?" "Good, thank you, what is it Josh?" his mother broke in and drilled her gaze into his. "What? Can't a son come home just to have a nice chat with..." sighing he stopped in the middle of the sentence as both of his parents leaned back and crossed their arms. 

"Ok. Fine. I'll spill. But...let me get all through with it before you say something, ok?" Unnoticed of everyone Alex gripped the plate to stable her wobbling as her vision started to go slowly blurry. "I suppose you have heard what Debby says about our break up. Well...it's true. Partly. Tyler didn't do anything though, she jumped him once and he...declined, but of course I was devastated. I started to drink...and doing drugs. The cause why I didn't come over for so long is because I didn't wanted you to recognise."

Sucking in a sharp breath Laura was about to reply to that, but thought of a better when Bill gently laied his hand on hers. Grateful Josh gave his dad a little smile before he stared down at the table again. "It got pretty bad. I went out every chance I got and ended up at a party in Germany about two months ago. That's were I met Alex." He glanced at her and saw how pale she was, but decided to ignore it for a moment and just get through with this. 

"We were both pretty drunk, and as there is nothing to gloss that over...she's 17, I screwed her and she turned out to be pregnant. I flew her in as soon as I learned about that, which was a week ago and now we're kind of figuring out how..."   
He felt the fall before they heared the dull sound of Alex' fainted body hitting the ground.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

After floating through darkness for what felt like an eternity I woke up but couldn't see at first. Afraid and shaken I searched frantically for Joshs hand, the last thing I remembered before I had passed out, but it were not his fingers that interlaced with mine, not his voice that told me to calm down, that I was safe. Against the heaviness of my eyelids I ripped them open, tried to clear my view, state a question with my dry mouth, but the words stumbled over my limp tongue and lost it' meaning on the way outside.

"Shhhhh, Honey, it's alright. You're ok. Just calm down." Laura told me quietly while she let her other hand linger on my forehead. "What...happened?" I succeded to croak out then, not resisting the touch as it was cold and soothing on my burning skin. "You fainted. Looks like you're running a fever. The doctor says you have to rest a bit more." "Where...is...J..." Patiently she answered, never letting her warm smile leaving her lips.

"He's out with his dad to run some errands. They will be back in about an hour." Relaxing my tensed body a bit I let myself sink into the pillow and sighed. I felt sick, too hot, too weary. Laura observed me for a while and waited for my breath to even before she got on. "Alexandra, right?" "Alex, yeah." "Alex. I want to ask you something and I beg you to be honest to me. Whatever your answer will be, I promise you I'll be there for you to help you all through this, alright?" 

While her lips were still curled I could see the pain in her eyes as she spilled the question she had pondered so carefully, that went against everything that a mother felt for her kid. "Did Joshua ever do something to you you didn't wanted? Did he violate you in any kind of way?" I was surprised and catched off guard by that, not to mention upset and shot up, propped on my ellbows. "No! How can you think of something like that? He's your son and..." "...and normally that would be enough to trust him. But given the circumstances I don't know how much of him is left after what he did to himself." The sadness trickled out her eyes and I repented that I had been so harsh.

"Hey, it's...it's over, ok? He has stopped drinking and only sometimes blazes a bit. He has done so much for me in this past week, you have no idea. And I...I think I love him." Without a warning she pulled me in a hug then, and startled first I was quick to return the gesture then. It felt warm, honest. I liked Laura right away.

Pulling back and drying her eyes she sighed. "Regardless to that I will rip his...rear end when he comes home! Don't get me wrong...this is not about me not approving you as a person, but I thought I had raised him better then that." "You could see it from another side...this could have happened to me with a way less reliable and wonderful person." "And lucky he was in his intoxication, he found a sweet and smart and pretty young girl to mess with." she chuckled ligthly and it felt like the pieces clicked in place.   
This was good. This was nice. This felt like family. And I was about to throw up.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Nervously Josh skipped from one foot to the other while he waited alongside a counter of a junk dealer for his father to end his conversation. "Ah...I don't know Bill, they should really overthink the elections!" Andy, an old friend of the family was currently mentioning. Shooting his son a glance Bill sighed. "Maybe, my friend maybe....so, what am I owing?" "22,60. Joshua" he let his yellow teeth show in an wide grin, "it's good to see you back! Staying for a while?" "Um...no...gotta fly to LA tomorrow." Josh flinched under the glare this earned from Bills side. 

Andy got the tension between them and harrumphed. "Well...rockstar issues, I guess. Have a nice time then and come around!" They said there goodbyes and went outside silent, Bill stuffing his errands in the trunk while Josh already seated himself in the passengers seat, letting his head fall back and inhale deeply. The sight of Alex passing out had frightened him down to the bone, he still shook only thinking about it and the panic that followed. 

He was so grateful his parents had been there, if this had happened while they were at home he would have likely fall into a major anxiety attack. Jordan and Ash had dragged him out of the room even if he kicked and yelled at them. Bill and Laura had taken care of the girl and seen in retroperspective Josh realised what a drama he had put on by cursing them for not letting him stay with her. 

Still quiet Bill got in and started the car. They drove out of the parking lot and down the street to the highway when Josh was suddenly strucked by another bad thouht. The kid. Whas it alright? Going pale in seconds he doubled over and gripped the headbord. Bill instantly slowed the car and brought it to an halt beside the walkway and his son shot out and stabled himself on a wooden fence with his outstreched arms as he started to vomit. 

Calmly the older man got out of the car and went over. When nothing came up anymore and he could breath at least a littlebit better Josh turned his head to face him. Bill was leaning on the fence beside him, arms crossed, but untangled them to reach him a napkin. Thankfull the drummer took it and sobered his face before he spoke. "This is nothing constantly dad, ok, I'm really fine since she's with me." "Son, you're so very far from fine that I'm not even sure if you're able to find a way back." They looked at each other then and Josh could see the hurt in his fathers eyes, but the old man still smiled. "I'm dissapointed you used a womans body just for pleasure, without any heart. I'm very proud of you though for stepping up to solve your problems and not letting that girl alone with it." 

He reached out and layed a hand on his sons shoulder. "See, Joshua, you were never the easiest kid. Your mum and me always had doubts of your fame, we always were afraid it would change you too much. But I can see that you just got a littlebit off the track but you're still yourself deep inside. I just ask you to come to us next time when you need love rather then search it out in the open. We're always there, no matter what." 

Bill grunted on the force he were hit with his sons body as Josh dived in to hug him thight to his chest. "You have no idea what that means to me. I'm so sorry dad, I never wanted to dissapoint you and I will make up to it. But...I might need your help. And that's why I'm here." The older sighed and pulled back, pushing the drummer slightly into the shoulder. "She has no idea of the whole dimension yet, am I right?" "Yeah...and I'm afraid to tell her." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The only sound hovering above the dining table was the rattel of cutlery. Tyler cringed on the tensnes in the room and tried to overthink a way to talk about this, as there was no way his parents didn't knew. Kelly had been very happy to see him but at the same time had shoot him a glare he hadn't seen since his teenage days, the dangerous one. He was about to get it hard. 

Still neither his mom nor his father had lost word about the story Debby had told, but their focus shifted remarkable towards Jenna, which they shepherded. Being obviously sick of the awkward silence Zack was the one to start the drama, a reminder of good old days when the mommas...Tyler gave himself a mental headslap then. "So...did you fuck her or not?" his brother boldly asked right away, followed by a loud thumb under the desk and a groan from Zack as his wifes heels hit his shin. "What, Tantum? Do we really wanna ignore that big fat white elephant in the room?" 

Ignoring him his better half stared at Jenna, whispering: "I'm so sorry..." She was cut off by Tyler pushing his plate back annoyed and driving his fist to the desk. "Ok, fine, no, I didn't fuck Debby, I didn't even pull a move on her let alone think about her but she jumped me once at a party and I where not exactly sober and did not exactly decline. Can we change the subject now please?" Staring at him with hanging jaws his siblings quickly recovered when Kelly took a deep breath and turned to Jenna again. 

"So, how is Joshua?" The blonde turned to him for help and so Tyler decided that the evening was fucked up anyway, and if Laura knew what was going on his mom would be the next to learn. "Oh, that's another interesting story..."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Awakening from another deep slumber I groaned on the headache that hit me instantly. My nose run and I shivered all over, while I sweated at the same time. All signs told I had catched a serious cold and I felt all over gross in my sticky shirt with my unrushed teeth and my messy, oile hair hanging down my face. 

I was not prepared for the sight of Josh lying beside me, staring at me as if I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He waited until I stopped to blink, then leaned in to kiss me. I stopped him by pressing my palms to his chest. "No, I'm disgutsing!" "You're sick and cute and hot...feverwise." he laughed at that and easily overran my resistance as he tried it again and locked our lips.

"And you are about to infect yourself." I murmured against his lips, not willing to let his pull back even if it meant he had to take all my bacteria. "Actually that wouldn't be an all to bad thing...so I wouldn't have to fly home to LA tomorrow." Faster as he could start to calm me down I was up, sitting straight in his childhood bed, trying to straigthen my hair that still stuck out in every direction. "I'm coming with you!" Josh tried to avoid my face through burrying his in my lap, his hands slung around my middle. "Y...cnt..ill...kd" he muffled into my belly and I had to snicker on the tickle his breath left. 

To defend myself and understand him clearer I let my hand fall into his hair and tugged him back lightly. "What?" He gave up then and rolled on his back, still staying put in my lap though. "You can't. You're ill. We have to think about the kid." He was only being responsible, of course I got that, but the little girl in me still revolted against any kind of logical thinking. "Then don't go! You can't leave me here, I barely know your family!" "You did barely know me when you decided to fly over." "Dumb excuse!" "Ok, ok it is. But it's not that easy as you think Alex, I can't just cancel my studiotime. You have to start to accept that this is my job...not that I wouldn't love it, but it is just like every other job in the world: Sometimes it sucks." 

He could sense that I was nearly crying now and pulled me down to kiss my nose as he often did when he tried to soothe me. "Besides you won't be all alone. Jenna will stay here and Tyler will be around for three more days before he comes over. In about ten days we both will be back for a break." "Will it always be like this? Will you always leave me behind when I need you?" I asked out of nowhere, not even recognising the question before it dripped of my lips. It was cruel to learn that my unconciousness might have got a point I had denied. 

Josh sat up apruptly and let his feet hang over the edge of the bed, his back now faceing me. "Don't do this Alex...not now." he answered quietly and even if I wished I could go just back to pretending I already had tasted a slice of truth and wanted to see the whole deal now. "Answer my question." I was not sure what broke my heart more, his words or the way he didn't face me, let his head hang low. "Yes. Yeah, it will be like this. In fact I will leave you in about three months when we're going on the first round of promoting shows for the new album. I will be away for like six weeks. After that I'll have to prepare for the world tour. It will likely start in about half of a year." 

There was no real need to torture myself more then I already had by forcing this confession out of him, but I had to hear everything, had to go through all the way. "How long." "The tour?" The way he breathed heavy I knew this was hard on him, I wanted to hug him so bad then. But at the same time the fire of feeling betrayed, abandoned welled up inside of me and left me unable to connect with him. "Sixteen months. On a row. First North America, then Asia, then Europe, last Canada. I won't be home more then a few weeks in between."

I was aware that the way I stayed quiet in that was violating and unfair. He pleaded me to speak to him, as he turned and called my name, tried to get me to look at him by taking my hands, but I yanked them back and crawled up on the bed to avoid every physical contact that could lull me in again. "Alex, please, we can work somthing out, I can..." "Leave." I coraked, my eyes yet drowning and my nail digged deep into my palms. "Babe, I..." "I SAID LEAVE!" I yelled with such a force that he jumped a little, but got the message finally. Without another word Josh got up and left the room. It was a vision of the future I could barely take. 

 

Xxxxxxxx

 

This time it was anger, not sorrow that gave Tyler the drive he needed. The down time with his family had been kind of hard, his mum had made him go to church to < confess >, his dad had choosen on an hour long talk about moralitys and Zack just hadn't stop to brag him about Debby. The only thing that kept him sane had been his wonderful wife, wich guided him through it with gentle smiles and and open kisses in front of everyone. 

Flying back to LA had been a relief first, but only until he sat his foot to the studio, where he was greated with the sight of Michael and two of the more important guys from their label. Their managers impression was enough for him to know then that this was no good sign. After he was filled in what had happened Tyler felt totally calm inside. He took a cap to Joshs appartmend, gave the driver a nice chat and an autograph for his daughter, then stepped out and took the steps instead of the elevator. 

He even nearly smiled as he reached his friends door and opened it with his spare key. Tyler was in controll all over as he scanned the place for the older one. It was when he found Josh in the bathroom, on the floor, greedy and drunken and stoned and god knew what else, when he lost it. Sorrow and fear mixed up then and turned to anger. Tyler hated to see how his friend drowned on himself and being the cause of it. 

Gripping Joshs Shirt with both hands, yanking the drummer up and pushing him into the wall Tyler ignored the smell and the left overs of vomit on the others clothes. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" he yelled, giving his friend another push so his head knocked against the wall. "Nthing...'m perfecly awright!" Josh slurred, loosing his coky smile as Tyler swept it from his face by slapping him across once. "You're not! You're an drunken idiot! You puked on your drums!" A slight hysteric giggle broke of the drummers lips. "Ya...rembr that..s fun."

With strong hands the singer gripped Joshs face on both sides and forced him to stay still so he could observe him. It was then when Tyler realised that everything he would say was a loss at this moment. His friend was too far gone and wasted to even recognise what happened. Sighing frustrated he let go of the drummers face and hurried to slide his hand under his arms as Josh fell nearly foreward. "Come on dude, we need to clean you up." the younger whispered and pulled him to the tube, shoved him in as carefull as possible.

Tyler waited until the water was warm enoug so Josh would not get a heartattack on the shock, pulled his head back a little and started to rinse his face and hair. Surrendered the older closed his eyes and shut up as the water splashed down his features. "Take your shirt off." The struggle lasted for some minutes but in the end Tyler managed to strip him to his boxers and even convinced him to use some soap. The younger helped him to stable himself while drying off and than walked him to the bedroom, turned and walked him to the coach as the bed in it's state was no option. They collapsed in the cusions together, side by side, Josh getting down from his high a little wich gave him a glimpse of how he would feel when it wore off entirely. 

Yet he was to intoxicated to grip a clear tought and started to whine instead. "Shhe wnt talk to me. Shhe doesn even want to tlk about me." "I know, I tried myself. Alex is pretty stubborn. Not to mention mad." Equal to Joshs mood Tylers anger had start to die down and withouth further thinking he stretched his arm out so his friend could collapse against him, wetning his shirt with his tears. "You know...I really have greatest respect for the both of you that you tried to make this work...but the more I think about it the more I'm not sure if it wouldn't be better if you just find some kind of agreement on the kid together and then live on your lifes." 

"She has no one. Shhhes lone ovr there." "As far as I know there's her best friend and her parents, along with a bunch of other friends. Josh," gripping his friend a little tighter so he couldn't pull back and out of the conversation Tyler got on. "you have to face the reality at some point. For Alex, everyone over here is a stranger. YOU are still a stranger to her. Not that I wouldn't want the < love – at – first – sight – thingy > to be true, but we're oth old enough to know that life don't works this way. A relationship has to grow on trust and stability. Jenna and I would never make it if we would get to know each other at this point, with the life we live. Alex might be to young to get that. I know you don't want to hurt her...but maybe it would be better to do it know then to make her any promise you can't keep."

"Love her." the drummer sniffed and Tyler shaked his head in a sad denial. "DO you love her or do you WANT to love her?" He wished he hadn't to do this, to break Joshs hopes down, to take him everything he had again, but he realised that it was the only way to help his friend out of the nightmare he had been living in.


	9. Coming clean

Lurking for the day I felt good enough to take care of myself again I choosed the words I wrote down on the card for Laura carefully. There was no way I could ever pay her back for the kindness she had showed towards me. In the past days she had assured me again and again that no matter what would happen between me and her son her door would be always open and she'd see me as an additional daughter already. It was shabby to leave her and the rest of the family like this, in the night, sneaking out the backdoor. 

I had booked a ticket back home with Joshs card, then placed it in the envelope I slipped under his parents bedroomdoor and picked up the backpack. As most of my belongings still where in LA with Josh I would return home with even less then I had came with here, in physical like in emotional way. The taxi driver luckily sensed that I was not talkative and I sat in silence as he hadn't turn his radio up. Never had I ever understood Tyler more then in that moment. 

When the briskness of the LAX absorbed me I dared to breath free for the first time since hours again. Here I had started my journey. Here I brough it to and end. I checked in, ignoring the curious look of the girl behind the counter as I told her I had no lagguage. When I got into the waiting area I slumbed down on one of the seats and let my head fall into my hands. A part of me hoped for a miracle, for Josh showing up like in an sticky romantic movie, but somewhere behind what my heart wanted I was glad it had turned out this way. 

Josh had been right. I hadn't realised how big they were. I hadn't thought about the consequences. Silently starting to cry I learned then that I didn't even missed him in that moment. If he would been there, I would have just started another fight. Somehow I knew he would keep his promise to care for the kid even if the both of us never wanted to see each other again. I had wrote Laura that I would inform him of every news I got about it, as well about the date the birth would be expected...in case he wanted to know. 

But I also asked her to tell him that, beside of that subject, I did not wish to have any kind of conversation with him anymore. Remembering another trace of him in my reality I pulled the phone out. Staring down at it for some seconds I flipped the messenger open and wrote a note to Jenna.

< From: Alex

Thank you for everything. You're the greatest person on planet earth. I will go home. Don't try to reach me. >

Of course the ringtone set instantly off, but I killed the damn thing and threw it in the nearest trash bin. I was sure Josh could affort me doing that anyway.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

They were in the middle of mixing the third track of the album when his mom called. The drummer retreated from the console and talked to her quietly while Tyler and the sound guy got on to make the beat sound more sharp. After a while the singer turned around as he realised that the conversation behind him had died down. 

Josh stood at the wall, his forearms stabled on it, his head resting on them. Tyler got up and walked beside him, unsure if this was a sympthom or a reaction to something that had happened. "J..." he called his friend softly, but the drummer only shook his head slightly as to signalise him that he didn't wanted to be talked to right now, so he stayed silent then, also because he didn't had to ask. Alex was gone, Jenna and him had already assumed she would do that, and he knew Josh would not be able to cope with that in the vulnerable state he was in. So the younger took responsibility. He called Michael in and got them all three on a desk. They laid all cards open then and their manager groaned at it, but the friend he was he understood that Josh already blamed himself enough for all of that, so he spared him the blowup. 

"The thing is, you got contracts..." Michaels professional side switched in but Tyler stopped him right away. "Fuck our contracts! I tell you how this will be working: Josh is going to take a down time from the band. You're getting into professional help man, or I'll kick you out of the band entirely. And when you're sober you figure that shit with Alex out. You got a half year before the tour starts, should be doable." 

The drummer sat silently beside him, defeated and broken he had nothing to return. His body ached and he had no clear thought at all anymore...slowly he began to realise how far from normal he had drifted and how hard it would be to swim back to the coast again. "And the preshows?" Tyler had thought he would never have to say this, but there was only one way to get around the problem without canceling that. "We can replace Josh for that one. I will call Chris and Nick in. We can do kind of a retro – mini – tour. And we'll have the world tour resheduled." Michael didn't ask at that point anymore, to fight with Tyler when he was taking the lead like this was completly useless, so he just raised his eyebrow. 

"We need bigger gaps between the shows. I'd like to do a bundle of...let's say 4 in a row and then have at least fourteen days downtime so Josh can be with his kid." "That adds up at least another twelve months to the whole thing!" Leaning back the singer shrugged nonchallantly. "So what? We've been on tour for crazy amount of days before. And in terms of our contracts: We both know that the label has made an ass full of money with us this past year. We both know that the next record is braking the lines all over again. Tell them to chill. I will not go on and watch my friend getting destroyed in all this just because they can't get their bags full enough."

Nodding with a serious expression Michael played with his phone. "Well...I guess we could make that work." They avoided each others gaze then, espacially Joshs, as they both waited for sign of permission to this. "You're kicking me out of the band, hm?" the drummer finally spoke, in a light hearted but somehow broken kind of way. There was no joke behind this words this time.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Waking up. Getting dressed. Eat. Live. Eat. Get showered. Sleep. Repeat. Caught up in her infinite loop Alex spend most of the two days she was back to her original enviroment in bed, crying her eyes out and sleeping deep and unconscious. It was the third day, the day she had an doctors appointment that Lisa had forced her to do, when she sended him an email with the sounding picture afterwards. No words though. No emotions.

An reply never came, not from him at least. Laura texted her on daily basis, not touching any sensitiv topic, just asking if she was doing ok. She told her that Josh had been happy about the pic. It went on like this for another week, when Lisa knocked at her bedroom door in the evening, carefully slipping herself in and walking over to her, slipping under the covers. "Alex...there's something you should know I guess..." and she opened an article on her tablet, the picture under the headline directly making her friend cry. Josh looked more dead then alive. It was a paparrazis' shot somewhere in LA. From the article she learned that he had retreated from his role as drummer of twenty one pilots due to < personal problems > as a tweet of him a few days ago had told.

What sounded like another joke had been confirmed by Tyler and the label, wich sended the clique into a frenzy. And now Josh had become hunted. Taking the tablet in her own hands Alex refreshed her news feed and tagged his name. They were out for him, where ever he went, and they found out slowly what was going on. That he had attanded therapy because of an obvious problem with alcohol, that he had showed up at his ex girlfriends house and threatened her because of what she had told the media, that Tyler Joseph had been seen with an blue eye, leaving his friends appartment.

A single night, a single hour had changed their lifes months ago. Alex was devastated to learn that it led to days within a whole life was shattered. She couldn't move anymore. She couldn't think. Distantly she heard Lisa talk to her but didn't want to react. The other took the tablet out of her hands and helped her to lay down. She covered her with the blanket and streaked her hair while she cried. Lisa got only up when her friend was fast asleep, slipping into another nightmare.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Six more weeks went and I struggled to be ok, but eventually found a rythm by time. I had given up on checking the internet somewhere along the way from the day Josh just dissappeared. Suddenly no one knew where he were anymore, except of Tyler who had soothed his family as Laura told me in her still constant messages. The drummer was doing fine his friend promised...and his family wanted to believe that.

Forcing myself to ask less and less what he was doing right now I stood at the window of my bedroom one night, when I couldn't sleep again. I took in the chill of the wind that swept in and with it I got calm, settled, connected to myself for the first in a long time. It was then when a flutter in my belly occured, soft and only for split second, then subsided just to be felt again on another spot. With my heart pulsing in my ears I let my hand stroke the skin there, tried to transfer warm, to conversate. It was there, more then ever. My kid was so alive, already trying to interferre with me. 

This was a feeling I couldn't transferre, one that I could not share with anyone, except the only other person who had the same DNA running in his veins. I needed to distract me at that point, I didn't wanted to go back there. I never wanted to suffer that feeling of missing him again. "Hey there..." I whispered instead into the air flowing around us, imaging the life insight me pausing for a moment to listen, "It's me. I think you know my voice, don't you? I....just never talked to you. I'm glad you're here. I can't wait to see you." 

Tiredness overwhelmed me then and forced me to bed. I was hit by this sudden feeling of being drained more constantly and gaining weight too. Working had been kind of hell lately, but it was necessary, on one hand to keep my mind in check, on the other I really needed the money. Lisa had welcomed me back into my old room with no hesitation, but I felt foreign there, with her boyfriend around. I planned to find myself a small flat where I could start all over, sadly that would require some savings first. 

My body shutting down more and more, my mind still running high I took my phone from the nightstand and checked my bankaccount. Startled I shot up when I saw what was on it. My hands trembled when I flipped to the messenger and recalled a conversation window I had avoided like hell, typing and sending before my brain even could catch up. 

< From: Alex

I don't want your money. >

What was he thinking? What kind of move was that? Why couldn't he just stop to mess with my life? Digging myself in redicioulus questions I turned to the side, placing the phone beside me. It lit up pretty soon, about fifteen minutes after I had sended, and I breathed heavy as I opened it. 

< From: J

It's not mine anmore. It's not yours either. >

This distant, short cut exchange was enough to unlock what I had stuffed so carefully inside. In attempt so not risk any further I coaxed myself to sleep but found my overactive imagination giving me pictures of him, sitting alone on a hotel room bed, his face enlightened by his phone.

Whatever seperated us, he didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve to end up as lonly as he had been when we first met. Josh could be part of this without being a part of me, it was kind of his right. 

< From: Alex 

Felt it 1. time today. >

my fingers typed without my permission and I regained control again by shutting the phone down and turning to enforce the sleep I needed.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

 

"Nonono, stop! Chris, you miss a beat somewhere in the chorus, I can't tell you exactly wich one but there is one left out." Grunting annoyed the drummer got up and snatched a waterbottle. "I played exactly everything you got on that demo. If you have another beat in live then Josh does it random...as he does a lot of things." Silently following the exchange Nick braced himself for another of Tylers breakdowns. 

They praticed for over a week now and they weren't bad together but of course they got nowhere near the energy and perfection the singer had with Josh on his side. The both of them were so trained to respond to the other on stage, that Tyler had a hard time to even focus on his part and trust Chris and Nick with the rest. They both got that it was important – the few upcoming shows would present the new songs to a selected crowd which would contain critics as well – but the more they tried to get better the more they understood that there was no way to satisfy Tylers standards. 

Nick was glad Jenna showed up every once in a while and generally was never more then a phone call away as his friend of childhood days went through a pretty dark episode. No one talked about it but he had seen Tyler taking his meds again, a big regression after he had gone without them for about three years now. When Chris and him had left the band in the past, Nick had never have a doubt on twenty one pilots going on to continue, because the band WAS Tyler. Now he could see both, the band and the singer falling appart. It was heartwrenching and he didn't knew why he had promised to take part in this.

Chris was still controlled even if Tylers voice was already raised and a pitch too high. Sharing a glance with his other friend the drummer went over to the frontman and just pulled him in a hug. Nick held a breath first, but released it when Tylers hands came up the others back after a few minutes and returned the gesture. Maybe that was the cause why they were really here. Tyler didn't need musicians to hold the band up at the moment. He needed friends around him to not break on this himself. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

With closed eyes Josh let his face being washed by the sunlight of the early morning, glistering through the tiny clouds of breath slipping away from his lips. The air was clear, sterile, it rushed into his lungs and filled him with life, with a feeling he had missed for so long. He had been trapped, trapped inside his mind somehow and instead of fighting it he had build walls that circled him in. This felt good. This felt like a new begining, even if there were so much things waiting out there that where already set to happen through his old life.

Josh choosed an simple action as celebration of being able to go back there, into the world, encouraged and open, as he pulled his phone out and plugged the headphones in. He really had missed the music. 

< I'm taking over my body, back in controll no more shotty, I bet a lot of me was lost, "T's" uncrossed and "I's" undotted... >

Of course it was Tylers songs he went to when he wanted to express feelings. He was the best. Smiling at that thought Josh raised his head as he heared a car approaching the driveway of the private clinic he had committed himself to. It was his own old beat up car that rolled along, his father driving, stopping in front of him and the bag on the walkway. Bill got out but didn't come over, he leaned on the car and let his eyes wander over his sons face.

Not taking out the headphones, still having his friend singing in his ear Josh only smiled wider, warmer, realer then. It was all the answer his father had needed for the unspoken question. Bill tossed him the keys and went over to great him properly.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"No, not without an elevator! I've troubles to roll myself up the stairs yet, I'm not going to do that when I get REALLY fat!" "You want to get even bigger?" Stopping in my tracks I rushed around and found Lisa grinning broadly behind me. "Oh, shut up!" I hissed and stomped on again. We had checked a few free flats nearby but none had been anywhere near what I needed. I was so thankfull for her doing this with me, because the thought of being completly on my own soon was frightening enough. 

"I just want to cheer you up!" "By insulting me? You reall think that works?" Again turning to her a littlebit to land another snarky comment I was confused by the look that fell on her face when we reached our floor. "What? Have you seen a ghost?" "Äh...Alex...." Furrowing my brows and tilting my head I began to worry. "Yeah? Are you alright?" "You really should turn around." Still I didn't get the point but followed her order and froze instantly.

Every fibre of my body started to scream at once as my mind went blank. There, beside our apartment door, leaned a figure on the wall. He had changed a lot, his hair even long on all sides and back to it's natural colour, his eyes no longer underlined by dark signs of excess. Josh pushed himself of the wall and stood there, looking at me. I could read in his features that he had the very same experience about me as I looked nowhere near I had when we last saw each other. 

Not only that the signs of my pregnancy had changed my body, my aura had changed all over and I could tell it startled him. "Welllllllll...I...have to do some houshold...äh...yeah." Lisa stuttered beside me and then stumbled over to our door, stopping beside Josh, who didn't broke our eye contact, and slammed the key in. "Hello, by the way." she threw to him before she slammed the door shut again and I was sure she was pressed up to it in seconds to not miss a single word of what was going to be spoken between us. 

"You look good." I broke the silence before he could, as I rushed into attack as a method of self defense. He may had thought he could run me over by showing up here, but whatever he wanted, I would not give it so easily to him. "You look beautiful." he answered and I closed my eyes and shook my head. "What do you want, Joshua?" A shudder ran through him at the usage of his name, an extended version of the goosepumps that blew across my back on his raspy, calm voice.

"I wanted to inform you that I'll stay nearby for the next few monts...until..you know." Scoffing I lost my cool then. "You can't do that!" I hissed, not ready to give up my careful built resistance so fast. "Don't mean to be rude, but I can do whatever I want." Truce. We had been there before, the very first time we talked to each other on the phone. We had broken the conversation back then, as there were a lack of a physical other, a lack of silent bodily conversation that could outhweight the silence.

This time we were there, facing each other with so much room between us, but yet less enough to see what was going on in each others head. He must have seen my face fell when I felt a kick inside of me. "Alex...can we just sit down and talk this through like we originally planned?" I surrendered to that finally, even if I knew this would mess with my mind again, but there had been a time where this had not been important enough for him to come to me, and now he was here. I had to give him credit for that.

We went down the street to a small, empty cafe. Hided in the farest corner we sat, facing each other, trying to find a hint on what was left of us in each others face. I knew I needed to stay strong if I wanted to resist the urge to crawl over the desk and just kiss him, cling on him like my life depended on it. I had denied so hard that I still loved him, but the minute I layed my eyes on him all pretending was gone, left back was only the fear of being burned again if I let him come too close.

"You remember when you asked me if I wanna know what it is?" He nodded, his eyes fixing my lips. "I asked today. I want to give her a name. I don't want her to be born and then remain nameless if I'm not able to find one in that moment." Sadness and pride mixed up in his features, but the smile won his face and tugged on my heart. "A girl?" "Yeah. I already have choosen her second name, the first is up to you." "What did you come up with?" Our smile got mutual then. "Laura."

"That's...so awesome. She'll be so proud." "She deserves it." Turning his head to look away from me Josh brought back the blackness to our situation. "But I don't deserve to be around the two of you. I was wrong earlier. I can't do what I want. But I can ask you for permission. Let me be part of her life." Not finding words to answer I was struck by another deja vu, and let by the memory I stood up and came over to his side to sit beside him. I remembered the electricity flowing between us the first time we touched like this, now, in this moment, there were no sensation, but a familiarity that hit my hard. 

I took his hand, brought it down to my belly, slipping it beneath my shirt. I held it in the place I could feel her constantly moving, then held my breath to shut out all interferring shutters of my own body. Josh closed his eyes, he still seemed to trust me blindly, and after few moments I felt her connecting to the warmth his palm spread across the spot on my skin. She pushed her feet or head or hand or whatever against him, only a tiny, little push that said < Hello >. 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Josh wasn't able to hold back the shudder then. He had thought the feeling of Alex skin under his hand might blow his mind, but as he felt a little push into his palm underneath what was her existence, he was taken to a level he had never experienced before. The drummer realised that he had only lived for this the past weeks, when he fought first everyone around him and then himself. 

"You're right. She needs a name." he croaked finally, after the sensation had subsided a littlle and Alex had drawn back a bit. "Find one." Alex told him again, and without further thinking he took the first that came to his mind. "Amy?" "Amy Laura Dun, it is then." It was beautiful how easy it rolled of her lips, Josh couldn't do other then adore her then even more then he already did. 

"So...you're going to stay? The whole time?" she brought another rythm in their conversation, one he could go with more easily now that everything was clear planned and set. "Yes. I'm going to stay around the next six or seven months. We will start the tour a little later then planned and then stretch it out. I will be away for three or four days and then come back for two weeks as long as we're not in Europe. When we're over here I will be back every second day, after every show."

"I don't want you to give up your dream." She was calm, controlled on the outside but he could sense how much she trembled inwardly, as much as himself. "To be true I already lost what i dreamed of." Their physical closness became to much then, they both had to get space between them in order to restrain theirselfs. None of them wanted to cross the border again, not so fast. This needed time, time to proove his promises, time for her to trust.

"I'll move. I'm searching for two rooms nearby. The kid...Amy and I need our own place, I can't stay with Lisa, I don't wanna mess her life up." Alex stated and returned to her side of the desk. "Do you need help? I got pretty much nothing to do then practice on the drums each day, so I could get handy?" "Maybe." She didn't wanted to raise hope at that point but too couldn't stand the sadness that took ahold of him. "Ok. Meet me tomorrow and do some inspections together? Where do you staying?" "With a friend I met on a forgone tour. He luckily was searching for a new roommate and was glad to help me out. It's only a few streets from here actually so I'll be there whenever you need...whenever you want me to be." 

Awkwardness and tension took a hold on them then and they decided to let it be. Josh walked her home, but the good by was distant, clinical, wich left both of them hurt and glad at the same time.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Meeting Alex had been really hard on him, as he finally was alone in the little room he had rented Josh couldn't hold back any tears. He damned himself for waiting so long to get to her, waiting until she moved on, cause obviously that was what she had done. He didn't know what he had expected...but certainly a third chance, as he had been ready to give her hundrets of it. But for Alex it seemed to be over, for her he was only a biological part of her new growing family. 

To get his mind off of this and not fall back into old patterns he switched on his laptop and went to Skype straightly, first calling his mum and talking to her about the whole thing a bit, warming his soul on the happy smile that lightened up her face as her son opened up so much to her. After he had listened to her prayer for him silently they exchanged lovingly goodbyes and the drummer was about to shut down the laptop when another contacts sign lit up. Tyler was online. They hadn't talked to each other from face to face for weeks now, since Josh had hit him and he had let it happen without fighting back. 

There had been some text messages though, assuring ones, mutual promises that they were still best friends, that everything would go back to normal, that they would just start out where they stopped. But Josh had declined to see the younger, even if he offered to visit him. They weren't good for each other at that point, only a constant reminder of what had been, holding back each other from settling into their new constallations of life. 

Letting the cursor linger over the call button Josh took a deep breath and pushed it. Two, three rings went into the void, then a moment of silence and darkness followed as the computers build up the video connection. He instantly recognised Tylers tired eyes, but aside from that he didn't look all to bad, sitting in his living room down in Ohio with a casual black shirt an sweatpants, just like Josh had him in mind from the hundrets of times they had hung out together. 

"Dog breaaaaaaaaatthhhhhhhh!" the singer cheered, gesturing wildly over to another person. "Jenna, get you adorable cute rear end over here, Jishwa is online!" The blonde got into sight as she tackled her husband, jumping on his lap and throwing her arms around his neck to keep them stable. "My boy! God I missed you so much, how are you honey?" Crying and laughing at the same time Josh couldn't answer instantly. They really both were the best friends he could ever have wished for. For every shit he had put them through over the past year neither Tyler nor Jenna had left his side and it had just deepend their bond as he learned right now. 

"You are supposed to be mad at me!" he pressed out finally, them patient waiting for him to pick up his courage again. "Nah, blue has always been my favourite colour. It matched my eyes just fine." "Dork." "Idiot." They both smiled again and Jenna rolled her eyes giggling. "I get it, I let you boys talk. Was good to see you, Joshua. Take care ok?" He gave her a nood and observed Tylers gaze following her until she shut the door, then focusing on the screen again.

"You look really good dude...way better!" the singer sympathically told him. "I do feel better a lot too. I'm just afraid I can't give the compliment back." Looking down on his perfidiously trembling fingers the younger sighed. "It's been hard, to be true. I was not sure if you'd come around after...that night. Brought up some old feelings. I acted fast enough this time though. Back to meds for a while, but it keeps getting better." 

Knowingly Josh nodded at that. Of course him leaving everything hanging open in the air like that had unstabled Tyler. He would have never done it if he hadn't known that the younger was careful watched and would get all the help he needed if it got too bad again. Unlike to the time they had met Tyler had learned to live with his depression over the span of the past years. 

"I saw her today." he changed the subject then, too afraid to ask how the retro-tour was going. "Yeah? And?" "We talked. She's ok with me staying close...she let me feel her..." "Her? Does that mean..." "Yep, I'll get a daugther. We've already picked the name but I don't want to spoil anyone so..." "Dude! Spill!" Josh had to laugh on the eagerness and excitement on the others face. "Ok, ok but don't tell anyone, promise?" Tyler bounced up and down at that. "Just tell!" "Amy Laura." "Man, your mum is so going to freak out!" "Won't she? I'm really glad Alex choosed that second name. Mum likes her a lot." 

"Wow...this somehow adds a new dimension, doesn't it? I mean...we're not talking about < your kid > or < the baby > anymore. It's Amy now. This makes all of this more real." Casting a hand through his natural coloured hair Josh sighed. "It does." "I'm so proud of you, fren, you know that, right?" He took some seconds to answer, not liking the vibe of seperation hovering over their conversation. "Yeah, I know and I thank you for that. I will come back Ty, ok, I will be there. I'm not leaving the band, I just need to get this straight like you said." "Take as long as you need, bro. I'll be waiting."


	10. Undercover(s)

The first few meetings were awkward and full of stiffness. We cringed every time a landlord asked us about our little family and we had to tell that it was only me and the kid moving in. It gave the both of us a sting to our hearts somehow. 

Over a month it got better though. We started to make fun of it, came up with the wildest stories to tell people that asked too close, and over that we started to become friends. We found a nice place not far around, it had three rooms though and I took it only because Josh insisted on it. We started to stuff out the flat then. The first room we painted were the one Amy should stay in. Settling on a colour took us nearly three days of standing in front of a colour sheet in a hardware store and arguing over shades of green, yellow, pink and blue until we found the perfect mixture. 

Josh wanted to call in some painter but I stubbornly declined and got myself covered in paint all over, having a hysterical breakdown as I not managed to draw straight lines to seperate two colours. Sighing he took the pensil out of my hand then, got some tape and went to work while I told him sobbingly how unfair the world was.

At the end of the day both of us were pretty coloured, but the room was perfect and as a peace-offering I vowed to cook something. We ended up with spaghetti and ready to eat sauce as we still hadn't buy a fridge. Thoughtfull squirling his fork through the nudles Josh tried another time to convince me. "You know all of this could be way easier if you just let me make some calls and get pro's to do it." Playfully I pointed my fork out to him. "But it would be way less fun then!" 

"I can think of a lot of things that we could do instead that make even more fun." he grinned back, and I felt the heat rising up my neck, my face blushing. Nervously I shoved a portion into my mouth so I hadn't to answer but Josh had gotten pretty good at reading me by time. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant it like that." he apologized, fascinated looking at my lips as I tried to battle the fact that I had stuffed too much food in my mouth. 

"'S ok...n..strngs attchd." I muffled and he laughed at that. "Although...I would really love to kiss you right now! You just look absolutly cute coloured all over." As so often my big mouth got me in trouble then, when it decided to call him out for it despite of my soul being not ready. "Then go for it!" I threw back at him, sweeping the ground under his feet. For a second Josh stared at me like in trance, like he was not sure if he heared right and didn't wanted to know in case he hadn't. But then he lunged foreward between flying dishes and falling glases and crashed our lips together.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Flipping through the critics of the first few shows had made him more comfortable, still Tyler did not look foreward to the interviews he had to do that day. It was the first time one of them spoke to the press directly after Joshs tweet about his pause. Michael had made clear though that he couldn't decline interviews any longer, everybody wanted to know if Josh was coming back and even if the people liked the new songs a lot nobody was convinced that Nick and Chris would work on a big stage, not even theirselfs. 

So Tyler sat in the tourbus, tired and bad mooded, waiting for his manager to call him into the venue's lounge. His face lit up when a familiar bunch of blonde hair stucked through the door and Jennas beautiful face followed, her lips giving a short "Yay!" in victory of finding him. She happened to came by more often these days, Tyler knew she was constantly declining jobs to be with him, but to be true he had never really liked her moddeling at all. Her beauty shouldn't be projected on, he had decided the moment he met her, she was at her best in her pure, rough form. 

Now she stepped in, straddeling him in no time, sinking her mouth down on his with the rest of her body, kissing him deep and slow and longing. Tyler adored how she was able to do this, taking the edges out of his vision, making everything blurry and cosy and fine when she was running her hands down his neck and along his shoulders. "How are you holding up?" she whispered through small breaks of their kiss, shifting her face so her lips ran along his jawline now, up to his ear. 

"I'll be < up > in no time if you continue doing this!" Chuckling Jenna sat back a little and stabled herself by leaning her arms on his chest. "Sorry...got carried away." she smiled smuggly and he whined a little while he grabbed her neck and pulled her in to kiss her once more. "Can you just stay right here and keep that feeling until I'm back?" the singer pleaded as his phone went off, probably Michael telling him to get ready. Flipping herself on the couch beside him tilting her head and parting her lips a little she gave him the final death blow. "That will be a really hard task for me...but I'll try to be a good girl, I guess." 

 

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This time it would have taken a meteor tumbling down on earth or a vulcano errupting to keep him from going, Josh promised the world entirely and Alex specificly as they stumbled blind through the rooms until they found the bed, not taking their hands or mouths of each other a single second on the whole journey.

She only moaned low into his kiss as an answer pulling him down with her on the bed, eager to get him closer, which turned out to be quiet a challenge at that point. Reminded of that he had to be carefull when he pushed her shirt up her body in the process of crawling down with her Josh let himself fall to the side when she layed down on her back, leaning in on her and picking up where they had stopped. 

For now he was more then satisfied with tasting her again, letting his hands roam over her form, under her shirt, on her skin. Alex seemed to be two steps ahead though. Her fingers gripped the hem of his shirt and nearly ripped it off his body, her hands running up his arms and down his bare shoulderplates then. Oversensitive on the lack of human touch he had suffered recently he groaned a little on that, let his mouth leave hers and wander down to her collarbone. 

Frantic she started to work on his belt then but Josh caught her wrists and yanked her hands up again, between them, while he planted further kisses along her neck to her other shoulder. "No." "You said nothing can keep you from..." "Yeah. But this doesn't mean we have to rush. I want to memorize it this time." The shudder that ran down her body leaped over to his, left them both shaken. 

He reached down to their feet and dragged a blanket up, covering them with it before he pulled her closer again, working their tongues together deep, but slower this time. "Is she asleep? I mean...I really feel kind of weired knowing she's there." Alex laughed and he drank it in, let it flow to his soul. "I don't know...but I think so. She'll let us now if she feels impaired I guess." 

"Good!" he mumbled, already lost beyond her shoulderline leaving a small wet trail down to one of her breasts. His tongue only touched her niple once before he was pulled back rather roughly by her hand in his hair. "No." "You said..." "This feels kind of weired to me." she explained and he sighed. "Ok...I guess I get your point. Limits our options though." She was about to totally loose it on the exceptional humour of the situation as he translated her giggle into a sharp inhale with his lips brushing the inside of one of her thights, running over a bright green spot the paint had left there. 

The constant shiver she had sported changed into a tremble and he could tell that it were probably more her emotions then really him that triggered that. Josh could only imagine how hard it was for her to open up to him like this in the state she was in, when her body changed, her mind with it. Wishing he had Tylers ability to play with words he found his own ringing dumb in his ears, but for her they seemed to be enough, as she blushed and smiled on his whispered "You're so damn beautiful!" 

He lost no time though to continue to learn her body by planting more kisses to her thigh, riding up slowly her leg before he reached for the short pants she had been wearing and tugged them down. "Hey, that's unfair!" Alex protested, but as he was back between her legs and kissed her directly < there > her head fell back and she surrendered way to easily for her own taste. "Gonna complain, babe? Really?" She shot a glare down at him with a growl, that changed into a breathless whimper when she saw him looking up at her with his signature smirk before he leaned down again.

It was her last coherent sentence for some time. Even if she was not deeply experienced on this field Alex had seen a few variations of this game. Right now she learned that there were way more. He fixed her moving hips with one arm, holding her down with enough force to be in controll, still gentle, and lazyly let his tongue flick over her until she got vocal again. 

"God, Josh...just...please..." "Yeah?" he asked between to kisses on her folds, well knowing what she was asking for but enjoying the situation way too much to give in so quick. "Stop being a fucking tease!" "As you wish!" Slowly entering two fingers inside her to step up his game he got on then, a memory washing over him with the noises she made. Yep, she had been vocal the first time too. 

Already being a mess Alex tried to hold back her moans and whimpers but failed miserably as Josh prooved that he was pretty competent in multitasking, letting his fingers take up a complete other speed and rythm then his tongue – he was a drummer after all.  
More on instinct then clear observation – he was way to gone himself to do that now – he felt her tense up a little and stopped right then, shooting her a worried look, unriddling the expression on her face. She was still riggid, not as relaxed as he had hoped to get her, so he took a gear switch back, letting his free hand run up and down her side smoothly, while leaning his face on her thight and slowly starting to move his other hand again. 

"This is what I should have done the first time." he started to tell her, brushing his nose against her skin, earning a small gasp. "Teasing me until I go crazy?" Only hearing her talk like that was nearly enough to set him off so he focused on timing the slide of his fingers to the stroke his thumb added. "Taking my time to adore you." "You're cliche!" He changed his position way to fast for her brain to catch up, but her nerves fired up with the second he grabbed her hips and started all over, with more force this time.

Totally loosing her stance Alex finally let go then. She willed her body to relax, let her hands cast down to his head, entangling one of them in his hair while the other dug marks into his shoulder, letting her head roll back and her eyes along with it. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The heat shot through my veins like a tsunami and overran all my guards. I screamed his name as I was drowned, and then my world went blank for a bit. I ended up trembling, crying, cold, but only for a few seconds, before he was beside me again, taking me into his arms and just holding me close, not stopping to kiss every inch of skin he could get constantly over and over. 

"You alright?" he asked after a while, when my breath evened out and my body came to lie still. "Mhmmmmmm" I hummed helplessly with a dry mouth, worn out by the chemicals that had danced through my body. For what must have been hours I enjoyed just lying there, waiting my system to return to normal again, getting slightly sleepy between the warmth of the cover and his arms. 

Feeling him shift a little and pick up movements I was awake in seconds, turning to him grinning and with a fake-shocked expression. "With me lying beside you? Really?" The look he gave me, his eyes half hooded on the feeling he gave himself, lower lip sucked between his teeth made me dizzy. "You looked tired, didn't want to bother you. It's not like I'm not used to." 

Giving him a smirk that definitly could be filed as naughty I leaned in, ran my tongue over his lips and patted his hand away with force to replace it with my own, finger slowly locking around his length, causing him to inhale deeply. "Well, I have news for you then." I could see sweat forming on his forehead as I began to slowly jerk him off, still he struggled to regain controll again but was already all mine. 

"So? What's the news?" My hand came to an halt, commented by a frustrated noise from his side, but I could totally see my words having quiet the same effect as the movement as I leaned in and breathed into his ear: "You're not allowed to touch yourself anymore! You're mine. And if you disobey I might find a lot of ways to correct you." With that I sped up my hand suddenly and ran my thumb over his head. "FUCK!" Josh hissed, hips pushing up eagerly in need of more friction. I started to learn new skills then, giving him my sweetest smile alongside my answer. "Exactly."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"...been on the road for nearly 5 years constantly. It's no miracle one of us needed a break sooner or later. And we both love reunion tours and never got to do one as we never fought and broke up, so we took the chance on that one." Smiling a little, not more then a necessary commitment, Tyler answered the question he had trained for so long. Of course that was what this was all about. Nobody had asked about the new songs yet, the only topic of choice had been the relations between him and Josh. 

He was getting tired and slightly pissed, wanted this to be other. After this girl there would be three interviewers more before he was good to go and Tyler silently wondered how he should survive that. "Well...there were some rumour there that you guys could have fought literally as you were seen pretty blue eyed a few weeks ago." "Well...as much as I'd like to fill your suspicion I'm sorry I can't. Josh is getting pretty rough in bed somtimes, that's all." Waiting for the effect to sink he the singer added, "when he's asleep. He's kind of an aggressive sleeper, snoring and tossing and even biting sometimes." 

The confused look lingered on the girls face for a moment while she pondered if he was serious or screwing her, then she decided on the last and laughed along with him. "Lol. So we are going to see the two of you reunited again soon?" "Josh is along all the way, on stage we'll be together again for the world tour, which starts in around 7 months. I do touring with my old bandmates right now. It was always a dream for me to bring the guys back in at some point. They were there when I started out and helped me a lot, so it's an honour to have them no stage with me."

They chatted a ittlebit about Chris, Nick and the old days then, a subject Tyler felt way more secure about, but the safety he imagined himself in was rotten. The girls phone started to bing suddenly and she pulled it out, giving him an appologetic smile. "I'm sorry, just give me a sec". Unbelieving Tyler starred at her, trying not to come across all to arrogant, but he hated it when people did that. "WHAT? Yeah, yeah, I got him right here! Send it, alright?" She hung up hastly and the anger the singer had felt in his guts turned to anxiety on the excitment her sweet smile showed off.

"To come back to our current topic...you had the world tour reshedulled. How comes it's belated for exactly 7 months?" Off balance Tyler had no clue were to come up with an answer and just shrugged nervously. "Don't know. Our manager is the one who sets the dates, we just play along with it." "Allright, so it has nothing to do with < belated > girl your drummer is with?" All his inner alarms going off at the same time the singer tried to came across as surprised. "I've no idea what you're talking about!" 

With a knowing smile the interviewer pushed her phonescreen in front of his face and showed him a picture of Josh and Alex, happyly smiling at each other. They looked good he recognised gladly, the angle showing off Alex' already growing belly pretty good, he reacognised not gladly at all. "About Alexandra Kehr, seventeen year old pregnant girlfriend of Josh Dun." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

When he nearly could take it anymore Alex leaned in and kissed him, savouring his groans into her mouth, adding new sensation with every twist of her fingers, every changed rythm of her hand. He was so close to the edge he would only last for seconds now...when his phone went off directly beside them, somewhere in his pants. "Ig.." Alex pushed back forth and met his tounge before gasping again, "..nore it!" "Ngnhn..." Josh was far away from being able to talk right now, approved by nodding slightly then. 

The disturbing ringtone noise eventually ended and Alex smirked, getting back at her task again when the phone went off a second time. "Fuck!" she hissed, loosing her concentration as well as he did. "Let me just..." Josh turned, whimpering on the feel of her hand sliding off him as he frantically searched for the phone which had gone silent again in attempt to shut it off. The moment he found it and wanted to hit the bottom it rang again with Tyler's ID lightning on the screen. This was no good. "I think I should really take that one." he gave her over his shoulder and took the call. 

"Josh, thank god, man!" "What's wrong?" "They fucking got you, dude, both of you! They had pics and infos and the whole background story! I denied the hell out of me but they knew i was lying!" "Ty, chill! I have no clue what you're talking about!" "The press, public, clique, fucking everyone knows about you and Alex...and Amy." "FUCK!" Alex popped up over his shoulder, giving him and frightened look. "You didn't just tell someone what we're doing right now, didn't you?" The annoyed wave with wich he shut her up hurted her a bit but she got that there was something serious going on. 

"How bad is it?" "Worse. I insist on you guys coming over here as fast as you can. I'm surprised they haven't found out where you are right now already." "Ok, keep me posted." They broke the conversation without goodbye, they both knew they would talk more then another time to each other that day. "Josh? What is it?" He couldn't bring himself to turn to her then, afraid of the reaction that would follow. They had come this far...and now everything was threatened to be shattered again. "We got a problem. The press found out somehow. We need to go back to LA. We're not safe here." Waiting for her to yell at him, to curse him out Josh closed his eyes.

They flew open when she slipped her arms around him from behind and started to kiss and suck at the flesh in his neck, her hand finding back to her old position. "We can do that...but not before I'm finished here..."

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Taking another look in the back mirror of the car I grinned wildly. "To be honest, I look even more suspicious then before." Reaching over and playfully tugging the head of his black hoody I weared deeper into my face Josh smiled. "Nah, just like the average emo." "Right. But, seriously, I don't get the panic. We never encountered anyone in the past weeks, no one recognised you, why should this change by now?" "I don't know if it changes, but if is enough for me." 

The tip of his fingers ran over my knuckles when he leaned back and looked out the window. "I can't believe you said yes." Subtly I let the position of our hands change and traced his palm. "It's not like I have that many options." "So I'm the least worse option for you?" Unnerved I shook my head but he already showed that he was kidding with a bright chuckle. "So, what are we going to do now? You didn't liked them to learn in first place...are we staying < undercover > whereever we go? Will my life consits of oversized black hoodies, inconspicious sunglasses and sneaking out backdoors to avoid cameras?" 

I could tell he was more then glad that I kept a good mood about this, but deep inside of me I had hided away the insecureness these words held between the lines. He had told me he loved me, he had told it to his family and friends. But he had hesitated to tell the world and that was a wound that never had healed properly. "To be true, I'm not really sure how we will cope with this. Don't get me wrong...I certainly won't lie about you or hide you away...it's just...some people out there can get really rude and mean and I don't want Amy to be in the spotlight before she is even born. We'll have to be carefull, that's all." 

Nudging me gently in the side he made me face him. "Hey, you know I love you, right?" "Yeah. I know." I gave back, not able to leave cut all trembling out of my voice. Luckily we reached the airport then and got out of the taxi. We had backed up everything we wanted to be shipped to us in the nect few weeks and left Lisa and Joshs old friend with the request to help us out on that one. They would take care of it so we both had only our bags to take with us.

Josh shouldered them both and gripped my hand, pushing his sunglases down befroe his eyes as we crossed the little place before the entrance. We didn't rush but I could feel him tense anytime we came across other people, which was a bit too paranoid in my opinion, but I remembered that I didn't now anything about situations like this while he had been in it hundrets of times before. 

We made it to the waiting hall without any incident and Josh relaxed a little, letting our bags fall and turning around, pulling me into him. Embracing me thightly and resting his chin on top of my head he exhaled slowly. "Thank you so much Alex! I was so afraid to loose you. I still can't believe you're really here with me!" I was about to reply to that as someone beside us cleared his throat and we broke apppart to see a young girl standing a few feet away with a digicam in her hand, red in the face all over. 

We both knew what that ment right away and only got confirmed as she asked in a thin voice if he was who she thought and if they could take a picture. Josh let go of me and I saw his awkwardness about it, but to be honest for me this was kind of cute. "I..." he tried to come up with an excuse but got none and surrendered with a slightly tortured smirk. "Yeah, I am. And yeah, we can take a picture. What's your name?" 

While they talked a bit and I took some pic with her cam for her I suddenly ended up startled as Josh brightly chatted with the girl, her asking shyly who I was. I pretended not to give too much on the answer as he would probably make something up that said nothing at all, they were pro's at that. But I got surprised by Josh smiling and taking out his phone. "This is my girlfriend Alex. Would you do me a favour in return and take a picture of us for me? It's about time I let the world know..." 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Returning to the bus frustrated Tyler had more or less forgotten about his wife waiting there for him. Maybe that's why he was extra excited to see her, but her face overshining with gleefullness could have been the cause too. "I swear you're like the sun coming up or me right now!" he declared, sensing that it was a bit over dramatic, but hey, she had always found that being the cute part of his personality.

"There you are! I thought you'd never come back!" Standing up and meeting him in the middle of the corridor Jenna slung her arms around his neck. "Well, the < only a few interviews thingy > turned out to be a full mayham session." "I know, it was all over twitter the second she said it." Like in pain closing his eyes shut hard Tyler dropped his head on her shoulder. "And, are there reactions? What says the clique?" Caressing the line of his hair with her fingertips Jenna sighed. 

"They went wild at the beginning, from denial to shock there was pretty much everything. But right now they are in the < shipping Joax stage >." "I'm sorry what?" Tyler pulled back and she had to giggle at the face he made, a confused puppy with his hair standing to all sides and the tiredness branding his feature. "Well, Josh opviously has decided to no longer hide...and they are loving it!" She let go of him and grabbed her phone from the desk to show him Josh's tweet.

It was a picture of him and Alex, both dressed all in black at what seemed to be the airport, kissing each other in a way that didn't left any questioning. Starting to sport a really wicked smile Tyler read the message under it.

 

< spooky jim christmas

@tylerrjoseph taking my girls home...get ready for some serious hang out, dude! >


End file.
